Broken-down Poetry: 2007


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Sunday, December 16, 2007

Forget About Yourself

29-31"What's the price of a pet canary? Some loose change, right? And God cares what happens to it even more than you do. He pays even greater attention to you, down to the last detail—even numbering the hairs on your head! So don't be intimidated by all this bully talk. You're worth more than a million canaries. 32-33"Stand up for me against world opinion and I'll stand up for you before my Father in heaven. If you turn tail and run, do you think I'll cover for you?

34-37"Don't think I've come to make life cozy. I've come to cut—make a sharp knife-cut between son and father, daughter and mother, bride and mother-in-law—cut through these cozy domestic arrangements and free you for God. Well-meaning family members can be your worst enemies. If you prefer father or mother over me, you don't deserve me. If you prefer son or daughter over me, you don't deserve me.

38-39"If you don't go all the way with me, through thick and thin, you don't deserve me. If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me.

Why is this so hard? We can not commit adultery, we can not use God's name in vain, we can not murder, not even hate or steal.... but we can't stop thinking about ourselves.

What's so great about us anyways?

You know, we love Jesus when He's a fad. Those "Jesus is my Homeboy" shirts were so cool for a few months... but honestly? (I cannot say this without sounding absurd) is He your homeboy?

God calls us to love the people that make our lives miserable. Not just like or tolerate... we are called to LOVE them. And He calls us to live in the world, not of it. (That means no drugs, filthy language, greed, p.m. sex, drunkenness, and the like).

We think that being a Christian is all about talking to our friends about Christ (which we're too scared to do) and reading our Bibles (which has been collecting dust over the past few weeks). We love Christ when He makes our days good (an A on a test) and cry to Him when our day sucks (the car broke down, again).

But yet... what about obedience?

I mean this in a broad term: doing what God tells us to do. It means all the aforementioned things (talking to others, reading the Bible, praying) and more. It means being "blameless and pure children of God."

I know I am guilty of this. I know it from the core of me. But why have I accepted it?

"It is simply absurd to say you believe or even want to believe, in Him, if you do not do anything He tells you." G. MacDonald.
Annie wasn't sure what to make of it. She expected promiscuity like that from Logan or a guy from school, but never from Kyle. These past few weeks he has been so devoted to God, well, it seemed that way at least. Annie was too afraid to pick up her phone, too afraid to do anything, but stare off... hoping that maybe it would all go away.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Merry Christmas '98!

So I found this story I had written in third grade. It was a pretty good concept had I not rushed through it. Maybe, oh yes maybe, I'll revist this storyline.... (not.)

[Disclaimer: I couldn't spell words like "coffee" and "pole" back in third grade so I corrected the grammar so no one would get confused.]
One Christmas Eve Santa was lost! Allow me to introduce myself, I'm Cupid. No, I don't make people fall in love. I'm the reindeer. Yes, there is Dasher, Donner, Prancer too, but they're on a coffee break and I'm gong to tell the story.

In 1986, Santa was lost.

"Ho Ho Ho!" Santa said to Mrs. Claus. "Is my coat ready?"

"Yes, Santa. I'll be right there!" Mrs. Claus said to Santa.

"Ma, I'm going to be laaate!"

And right then Santa disappeared.

Yes, you are probably wondering what happened to Santa, but my reading turns over, here is Comet.

Hi, I'm Comet. Ok, now Santa woke up and he was in the land of Oz!

"We're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz," Santa heard. Santa talked to the strange people. And a few seconds later he was going to the Wizard of Oz too. When he got there, he wished to go back to the North Pole and he did.

Well, that's the end of the story, bye!

Honestly, can you get a better story than that? come'on.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

The Sims mindset

I know I'm a fool, no one needs to tell me that.

We talked about pilgrimages today in English and it made me very pensive. I mean, very. To go into it at all would be confusing and overwhelming so I'll save it for later blogs. Nevertheless, there is one thing I've thought about today. And that is dating.

Now, to how I got from pilgrimages to dating doesn't make a bunch of sense, so I won't bother. It all boils down to my overarching theme of the season: change. But like I said, I won't go into all that.

I decided to fast from crushing. (That sounds awfully dorky.) I made a commitment that for at least 2 months I won't crush on anyone. God helping, I hope to be crush free until next year. I'm learning a lot about people.

I hate admitting this because it's not deep or anything, but I just started realizing what it means to have a guy friend. For my whole life (and I really do mean my whole life) I assumed that befriending a guy beyond being his acquaintance meant that I like-liked him. I call this the "Sims" mindset.

[Explanation: On the Sims, when a girl and guy Sim talks, their liking of the other person rises. It starts at aquaintance, then "warm," then friends, then it jumps to in love.]

I have quite a few guy acquaintances and guy "warms." Half the youth group is guys, I have no choice. But taking that relationship to the friend level has been impossible for me. I don't really know why.

I've never really had a close guy friend. Well, I was close to Austin then we dated (psh, screwed that friendship up). And I want to be friends with Todd and with Luke but there are so many strings attached. Why does it have to be that way?

And I think I like guys hanging out with guys more than girls 90% of the time. Girls are dramatic, guys just take things as they come. But it is just so difficult because of the way people, and hollywood, put expectations of guy-girl relationships. [Segway into my AP English practice essay for this week!]

How many TV shows or movies show guy-girl friends that don't end up in a dating relationship? Let me give you a hint: NONE. [Example: the couple in You've Got Mail, Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable, Nancy Drew and Ned, Ross and Rachel, the couple in 13 Going on 30, Lane and that one guitarist guy on Gilmore Girls, etc]

Maybe I am ignorant or something; maybe guys and girls can't just be friends. It just doesn't seem right. So I am going to defy all the laws of whatever and make more guy friends. No strings. No future dating. No secret crush.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Another one of those days.

[[Disclaimer: If you have anything to do, don't read this blog. I just wrote what I felt and sometimes what I feel is nonsense. But if you want to anyway, feel free.]]

Well, how do I begin?

My car... augh, someone backed into it... now it has a huge dent. (Yuck) Today has just been one of those days--not horrible (I mean, the night's still young n' all) but not exceptionally great. I just feel blah.

I feel like I have so many feelings inside of me that I haven't really taken care of. Instead I have just suppressed them (they're still inside of me) and I don't really know what I'm going to do when they're unleashed.

Two and a half months ago I ended a crush on a guy. But how do you just end a crush without the feelings returning? I read something in Annie Dillard's Pilgrim at Tinker Creek that reminded me of this feeling in some way:

"...[A]s you look at a still-beautiful face belonging to a person who was once your lover in another country years ago: with fond nostalgia, and recognition, but not real feeling save a secret astonishment that you are strangers." [80]

And maybe this feeling isn't describing that "ex-crush" but a certain ex-boyfriend whose heart I mistreated. We are strangers. I guess that the "just friends" philosophy isn't much of reality. Oh, I wish it were.

My heart aches. There are so many guys that I am better off befriending than dating. I regret dating Austin for that, uh, week and a half, just because it put a rift in our relationship. I talked to Austin like I had talked to no one before. Who can hold conversations for six hours and twenty minutes without getting bored?

I'm a lucky girl. I have great guys in my life (my brothers!) and an awesome best friend. I just wish that I didn't take people for granted. That I just respected them and accepted them as who they were; that I loved them the agape way.

I guess my biggest fear right now is awakening feelings of hostility that I felt a year ago (toward my best friends) or unhealthy crushing over an unattainable guy... things that I thought by faith I had overcome. But have I? Or did I use temporary will-power?

Was it all for nothing?

I fear I'm going to wake up mad at my best friend for hating "him" or let myself crush over apple (oh geez, I know). I fear that what I thought was overcome through my relationship with God was just... covered with a bandaid.

The wound isn't going to heal without exposing it.

So here I am. I'm not really that bad. I'm just pensive. Just, really pensive.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

kill the inconvenient truth

[Another attempt to find myself politically. Here's to being a left-winger. *Cheers!*]

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

I'm on my dad's 2000 IBM PC. Imagine what it was like to surf the web 8 years ago. Yes, it's that bad. My dad, thanks to some neighbors who are tech-savvy, has upgraded to wireless internet. But still, it took about 2 minutes for Firefox to load. No kidding.

Nevertheless, I decided to observe my family as Annie Dillard might, with a careful and thoughtful eye. I guess I realized a few double standards--I'm not shocked or anything--but it just interested me. I will share those observations with you. (In light of Annie Dillard... the author of Pilgrim at Tinker Creek... my least favorite book at the time.)

My family is very conservative. Not like... Luke or Adam conservative (uh, make your own inferences off of that) but still, strong Lutherans. My dad's sister-in-law is probably what I would call a Neo-Lutheran (not like old-fashioned Lutheran, but still conservative).

But my sister and I are more on the left-wing side. [Me? Not as much as her, but let me lump into her group for the time being.]

Okay, back to the story.

They are conservative, which is fine. I like conservatism. I believe in tradition, the occasional legalism when need be. (Again, I'm making unnecessary loopholes here.) BUT when conservatism meets coldheartedness, I get concerned.

And my family is really nice. My aunt, the "Neo-Lutheran," is one of my favorite people. But, when liberal ideas are mentioned there are walls put up.

I hate the word tolerance because it gets such a bad rep. I don't believe you should tolerate sin in your life. BUT, I think you should tolerate, or rather, accept other's beliefs or ideals.

I heard a guy speak at an outdoor concert explaining how evolution was a delusional concept and that anyone thinking differently should be burned at the stake. He said that evolutionists are "ignorant" and according to him ignorant means "stupid." (And He said that. I quote, "People who believe in evolution are stupid." I was fuming.)

Stupid? Okay... Mr. Creationist, how's this for a try, what if we decided that instead of saying all people who are ignorant are stupid, let's say it is stupid to be ignorant about subjects and judge them anyway.

Did Mr. Creationist even study evolution? Does he not know that evolution IS real? (Microevolution, which has to exist if you believe in Noah's ark!)

My point is this: if my conservative family can judge liberals without knowing them and Creationists can judge evolution without truly studying it, how are we serving Christ?

This is no longer a political debate, but a Christian one. How is our bigotry showing people the Freedom Christ offers? It's not.

Hullo, did Jesus sit with his twelve at Seder and discuss why Caesar promoted idol worshiping? Did He sit around arguing against radical politicians or even vent about those "sinful Samaritans" over yonder? No. He loved.

And not only that (as if it weren't enough) He didn't even DISCUSS politics (not even once!) He told the story of the good Samaritan, and didn't even judge the woman at the well. "Give Caesar what is Caesar's...."

We like to remain ignorant about other people's beliefs and it builds up walls. You don't have to sell your Christian beliefs for say, Islam, just because you read the Qur'an.

It bugs me how quick people are to judge other people based off of their beliefs. I don't want to be hated because I'm a Christian. (yes, I know that will happen regardless). I don't want to be judged because I believe homosexuals should be allowed to get married.


For crying out loud! Jesus loves her too!

People shouldn't be judged for their beliefs (their faith in God or lack thereof) or their political party (donkeys or elephants) or anything else.

And now I'm ranting.

It's Thanksgiving: learn to love. Forget about what people believe. Forget about whether they think its okay to have sex before marriage or if they go to church every Sunday or read their Bible or vote Ron Paul or Obama.

Love them all.

Show mercy.

Speak with love.

Oh, I'm trying not to rant...,


Friday, November 16, 2007

Grace vs. Truth (Part II)

I don't know if I really want to glorify Grace over Truth. I mean, yes, I believe everything I have said about Grace: that it is the message of the New Testament and that Christians tend to de-emphasize it, but I guess there's more to it than I had originally anticipated.

And I can go on a soapbox and talk about the ways Christians have forgotten Grace and have been hateful bigots (but I won't). But I do want to talk about a thing called Obedience.

Almost everyone has a historical figure that they idolize. Mine is George MacDonald. He was an incredible thinker, almost like a philosopher, but a preacher as well. I love reading his stuff, but what I realized about him is that he has a strong belief in obedience. I'm reading an anthology of some of his writings right now and there seems to be an overarching theme of, and I'll use his words here: "Go and do it."

Obey God.

Do what you're supposed to do.

And I know I just said how Grace is so important (it is!) but God wants us to obey Him too. Not to the point that we think we can deed our way into heaven, but God wants us to obey. MacDonald said, "It is simply absurd to say you believe, or even want to believe, in Him, if you do not do anything He tells you."

And sin? Well, its hard to bypass. I mean, the Bible says that if you know the good you ought to do and don't do it, you have sinned. (Talk about a standard!) I know I should be reading Annie Dillard right now instead of facebooking, so am I sinning?

That's a lot to ask of someone, I know, especially since we've established that the Church seems to emphasize morality over anything. But there's some good behind that. God wants us to obey. But should that be top priority?


(Yes, I just turned around and started walking in the other direction)

A balance. I love to believe that God has a think or "happy mediums." To paraphrase from a RELEVANT podcast, it's good to have everything lukewarm 'cept your faith.

And I've talked about this before, the way extremes are bad. I really mean that. It says in I Corinthians not to be mastered by anything. To be all this or all that isn't balanced. God wants us to strive to be obedient in all situations, but rely on Grace.

I don't think churches should emphasize Truth over Grace (in fear of breeding hateful Christians) but I don't think Truth should be ignored either.

We can't get to God without obeying Him or, you know, putting forth a good effort. (But that's for another day)


Monday, November 12, 2007

that thou art in the dark and hast no light;

Grace vs. Truth. Here we go.

At the very pit of me, the very core (the mean core, the ha... HARD core) is rather rude. harsh. I want to see justice served.

My first minglings with God started with me, on my own, reading my Bible. Not just the Gospels, not just the epistles, but the nitty gritty Old Testament old-law stuff. The dark meat of the Bible.

And with that Old Testament goodness came a lot of laws that seem ridiculous, but back in the BC days, made sense. Eye for an Eye. Stone an adulterer. ETC.

What I understood before I really became what I call myself now, a Christian, I had a good grasp on justice. I knew that God hated sin and so when people sin, they're punished. It makes sense. I hate bratty kids... they need punished (no harm in that!)

But it doesn't end there.

There is a second half of the Bible... one that is pouring, overflowing with Grace. (To quote Relient K) "The beauty of Grace is that it makes life unfair."

Yes, it makes life unfair to the perfect, sinless, non-existing humans out there. Luckily we all get a good taste of Grace because we all screw up (at least once or twice).

And that Grace extends, folks. No really, it does. It means that not only does God show Grace to His followers at the pearly gates, it means that He shows Grace to the murderers, sex-offenders, greedy, bigots here on earth. Yes, I said it.

And we should do the same.

I am hurt when people are so quick to judge. I don't like it when people don't like a certain group because of their label. And I don't like when people don't put their heart into what they say.

And maybe I'm running around in circles here. I judge too, I'm harsh, I am so quick to get angry at people who are "out to get me." Or something of the sort.

What about Grace.

What about it?

Show it. With every heartstring, with every ounce of power you can squeeze out of yourself... LOVE. Be merciful for goshsakes. This is to me as much as it is to you all. Grace is what the Cross of Christ is all about. God realizing that we are only human, and forgiving us. We repent, we devote ourselves to Christ and we get an abundant life.

Let God do the judging. Let God say who is or isn't worthy of this or that.

It's not up to us.

only a [wo]man,


Tuesday, October 23, 2007

to love at all is to be vulnerable.

I love God and I love the idea of the Church. But right now, I'm not to fond of her.

I don't want to say I hate Christians, because that's not true. I'm a fan of church, youth group, college age, Sunday morning service, and the various ministries I find myself involved in. But I don't like the facade the Church is putting on.

Remember when only the Pharisees hated Christians?

Even in the Roman Empire (around Nero's time) Christians were hated not because THEY hated, but because they were RADICAL.

And now... what has she, the Church, become?
The top six traits Christians are known for are these:

1. Hypocritical

2. Too focused on getting people "saved"

3. Antihomosexual

4. Sheltered

5. Too political

6. Judgmental

[according to Barna research]

How sickening is that? Number 3 kills me everytime. Never in the Bible does it say to HATE people. Remember that little slogan that Jerry B. Jenkins uses through his books... "Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin." Period.

Why do people take that so much farther?

I don't want to argue other points just yet, and really I should have kept my mouth shut about the antihomosexual thing as of now.

Right now I call you, yes you little Christian, to examine yourself. How do you act? Are you loving? joyful? peaceful? patient? kind? good? gentle? faithful? self-controlled?

Those are traits we SHOULD possess, according to Galations. Not these hateful anti-gay, anti-democrat, anti-cultured people.

So consider these facts, and I'll get back to you ;-)

always, always,


Thursday, October 18, 2007

who is number one.

I'm glad my view of politics have been shallow for the past few elections.

In fifth grade we had "mock-elections" for the 2000 presidental campaign: Bush vs. Gore. I remember my social studies teacher made Bush sound like this amazing guy and Gore, a bafoon who thought he invented the internet.

Needless to say, over 95% of the fifth grade class at Perry Hill Elementry School voted George W. as president of the United States.

That is why for six years I claimed to be a Republican.

Now, this isn't a blog about politics, because I literally have nothing to say about that (VOTE OBAMA '08!... ha, that was a joke), this is about extremes. In this case: Conservatism vs. Liberal-ism.

But I don't want to end there.

See, this may be extremely obvious to some of you, but others not: EXREMES=BAD. [Let me define this version of EXTREME before you throw a few fits. I mean this: an extreme is something you believe and stand for with no knowledge backing it up (IGNORANCE I call it). It's forcing those beliefs on people HARSHLY and WITHOUT LOVE. It's a belief that you let get between you and God. And though you may CLAIM it draws you closer to God, that can sometimes be the opposite.]

Facism vs. Communism.

I've been thinking and thinking about this topic, not really sure how to even talk about it in a blog or elsewhere. I mean, usually when I have a belief I hang tight to it. Example: Jesus is Lord. Probably not going to change my mind about that one.

[But that's not really what I'm going with either. God is an Absolute, a Constant in this equation so let's not declare Him debatable... not right now.]

But we can discuss the Church. Church of God vs. Church of Christ. (One word difference yet, so incredibly opposites).

My point here is this: people search and search for their stand on one subject or another and once they believe one side, they don't let up. Example: Abortion=Bad. So instead of thinking rationally, they jump off the deep end. Like a particular Pro-Life group who runs around the country protesting at abortion clinics but doesn't take spend anytime loving. They don't even pray for these women who go through this. They hate women who get abortions. They hate doctors who administer abortions. (hate=extreme)

I think probably the worst one ever, especially for Christians, is the gay marriage situation. Yes, the Bible says homosexuality is a sin BUT does it say to hate homosexuals? NO. Period.

I am using very contraversial issues, I know, and I know that I'm probably putting too much unsolicited opinion in here as well. But here's the scoop: when there are extremes, there are footholds.

"And do not give the devil a foothold."

It makes your chosen extreme first priority, or soon to be. God needs to be the Extreme, not this issue or that.

I remember back in fifth grade I made a conscious decision that I, Lauren Deidra Sawyer (10.5 years old) was going to be a Republican because George W. Bush didn't claim to invent the internet.

Whenever I form an opinion on something I think hey, what's the opposite view (the antithesis!) then I rule one or the other out. I'm pretty sure everyone does that one way or another.

And so we have a tendency to hang onto our beliefs... so hard. SO HARD. We are unwilling to let go. We believe gay marriage is so wrong that we exploit the image of Christ and claim no hope for them. We are sinners, but they are worse. Or on the other side, the opposite. We want to show God's love to them SO bad that we "hijack" Jesus and ignore the passages about homosexuality in the Bible.

Neither are right. And both will give Satan leeway to do something not so cool in our lives.

Yes, yes, before Mrs. Pickett calls me on ranting (good thing she's not reading this!) I will acknowledge the opposition. But faith!, you say. Faith? Devotion? Humility? Love? Aren't those all extremes? Virtues: can't those be good in huge amounts?

Yes, but consider this: too much of anything NOT God is bad. That means TOO MUCH humility can be bad. (Humility that, ironically, leads to pride in that way.)

As Uncle Screwtape put it, "All extremes, except extreme devotion to the Enemy, are to be encouraged."

Now I don't want my blog to be misread. I'm not saying it's good to be complacent or lukewarm, I'm just saying know why you believe one thing or another. Know why you call yourself a Democrat or Republican, patriot or pacifist; don't use it to hurt the opposition. Be courteous, respect each others' beliefs.

And don't give the enemy a foothold.


"Then quietly and gradually nurse him on to the stage at which the religion becomes merely part of the 'cause', in which Christianity is valued chiefly because of the excellent arguments it can produce in favour of the British war-effort or of Pacifism. The attitude which you want to guard against is that in which temporal affairs are treated primarily as material for obedience. Once you have made the World an end, and faith a means, you have almost won your man, and it makes very little difference what kind of wordly end he is pursuing. Provided that meetings, pamphlets, policies, movements, abuses, and crusades, matter more to him than prayers and sacraments and charity, he is ours--and the more 'religious' (on those terms) the more securely ours." The Screwtape Letters

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

and character, hope.

So in contrast to my last two blogs, I'd say this one is a lot more chipper. (You'll soon understand why.)

I think I'm nearing the end of a "trough" and entering what I, or Uncle Screwtape, calls a "peak" or at least a landing of some sort.

It's all about this one--to me, ambiguous--word HOPE.

It all started a long time ago. I have always been hopeful--I guess that's my nature. Not that I'm always optimistic, but by the end of the day I know that things will be okay. Why? Because I'd dream of something better.

And that's where my questions are aroused.

Is it okay to just yearn for something better? What about the here and now? C.S. Lewis said in his book The Screwtape Letters this: "[God] does not want men to give the future their hearts, to place their treasure in it." But what if the current state of affairs sucks?

And so I've been grappling with that concept, putting it to test against the Bible verses I know:

"And hope does not disappoint us for God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit who He has given us." Romans 5:5

"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." Philippians 4

Not to mention the several times the Bible says things like "put your hope in the Lord," "renew your hope," or "I will hope in your name."

What does it mean exactly to "hope in the Lord"? Is it the same thing as hoping for something the Lord will bless you with?

Like I said, my mind was grappling with all of this. And on Monday night I read something that further added to my skepticism of it all. It was in the form of a quote by my most respected clergyman who ever lived, George MacDonald.

"Lest it should be possible that any unchildlike soul might, in arrogance and ignorance, think to stand upon his rights against God, and demand of Him this or that after the will of the flesh, I will lay before such a possible one some of the things to which he has a right.... He has a claim to be compelled to repent; to be hedged in on every side: to have one after another of the strong, sharp-toothed sheep dogs of the Great Shepherd sent after him, to thwart him in any desire, foil him in any plan, frustrated him of any hope, until he come to see at length that nothing will ease his pain, nothing make life a thing worth having, but the presence of the living God within him."

And I don't believe I understand that fully. But I do get the last line (which is why I'm so distressed).

Last night I was going back and forth about this. Is hoping for something good to happen bad or good? Or is it like desiring to be loved, as MacDonald says, which is neither noble nor wrong. So I did what I thought any good Christian should do... I prayed. This is what I discovered, rather, what God dis-covered for me:

I was never upset because I thought that my dreams (my hopes, ambitions, etc.) would never become reality. Instead, I was upset because they weren't reality right now.

"Hope isn't about right now."

Hope doesn't have a timeframe. Hope needs to rely on the element of "maybe." Not when. Not now. Not soon.

It's not a matter of giving up on hope itself, it's just the attachment and the demands of it. Like all things, if you aren't willing to give it up, you aren't fit to have it. But what I had never learned before was that if I assumed hope would be in my control, I was wrong.

God gives us hope to keep us going, to not give up, and to finish the race. BUT if we say "Okay God, my dream is to be married by age 23 and have a career and a nice apartment" we are foolish. It's no longer a matter of hope that God has things under control and those things might happen, but it has become a matter of me. Yes, even hope should be about God and not us. Hope has a lot to do with trust, I've realized. To what extend, I do not yet know.

So don't give up on hope. Hope=good. But don't turn hope into something ungodly--a desire for something God doesn't want you to waste your time with. Trust Him. He has your interests in mind.


Tuesday, October 2, 2007

that leads me to valleys of sorrow

Troubled soul, thou art not bound to feel, but thou art bound to arise. God loves thee whether thou feelest or not. Thou canst not love when thou wilt, but thou art bound to fight the hatred in thee to the last. Try not to feel good when thou art not good, but cry to Him who is good. He changes not because thou changest, nay he has especial tenderness of love toward thee that thou art in the dark and hast no light. Fold the arms of thy faith until the light goes up in thy darkness. The arms of faith, I say, not of thy action. Bethink thee of something thou oughtest to do and go to do it, if it be but the sweeping of a room, the preparing of a meal, or a visit to a friend. Heed not thy feeling, do thy work.

Distress that drives us to God does that, it turns us around, it gets us back in the way of salvation. We never regret that kind of pain. But those who let distress drive them away from God are full of regrets and end up on a deathbed of regrets.
always; always,


Sunday, September 23, 2007

The Law of Undulation

I have this pretty pink frame above my desk in my room. Inside of it, in big pink lettering, a verse from the Message Bible reads:

"Distress that drives us to God does that. It turns us around. It gets us back in the way of salvation. We never regret that kind of pain. But those who let distress drive them away from God are full of regrets and end up on a deathbed of regrets." [I Corinthians 7:10]

Usually after I have a Bench Moment [when I meet with God and He reveals something to me] I have a spiritual high and am on a so-called "mountain." Life is good. But not so this time.

I guess this period of my life is marked with Change, so that must mean that because of change, there's going to be what they call a valley. Welcome Mr. Valley.
Things will get better this I promise you

I know you won't feel this way forever

Things will get better this I promise you

And I know loneliness won't last forever

And so I'm taken back to this concept illustrated by CS Lewis in The Screwtape Letters. "The law of Undulation," Uncle Screwtape calls it. It's this picture of troughs and peaks, ups and downs, valleys and mountains. In other words, sometimes bad times happen and you just feel dry. And I feel dry. And there's nothing wrong with that.

I'm going to put a big portion of that letter in this blog because I have no way to describe my feelings BUT through this. Through the conversation of two demons I can learn a thing or two about myself, ironic, huh?

But I wanted to tell you why I tagged you all in this blog, because as you can see, I rarely tag people in notes. And when I do it's because I know it's interesting or funny. But this one is from my heart. And though the majority of it is written by people NOT me, it is how I feel. Take what you can.
My dear Wormwood,

So you 'have great hopes that the patient's religious phase is dying away', have you? I always though the Training College had gone to pieces since they put old Slubgob at the head of it, and now I am sure. Has no one ever told you about the law of Undulation?

Humans are amphibians--half spirit and half animal.... As spirits they belong to the eternal world, but as animals they inhabit time... Their nearest approach to constancy, therefore, is undulation--the repeated return to a level from which they repeatedly fall back, a series of troughs and peaks. If you had watched your patient carefully you would have seen this undulation in every department of his life--his interest in his work, his affection for his friends, his physical appetites, all go up and down. As long as he lives on earth periods of emotional and bodily richness and lieveliness will alternate with periods of numbness and poverty. The dryness and dullness through which your patient is now going are not, as you fondly suppose, your workmanship; they are merely a natural phenomenon which will do us no good unless you make a good use of it.

To decide the best use of it is, you must ask what use the Enemy wants to make of it, and then do the opposite. Now it amy surprise you to learn that in His efforsts to get permanent possession of a soul, He relies on the troughs even more than on the peaks; some of His special favourites have gone through longer and deeper troughs that anyone else.... But the obedience which the Enemy demands of men is quite a different thing. One must face the fact that all the talk about His love for men, and His service being perfect freedom, is not (as one would gladly believe) mere propaganda, but an appalling truth. He really does want to fill the universe with a lot of loathsome little replicas of Himself--creatures whose life, on its miniature scale, will be qualitatively like His own, not beause He had absorbed them but because their wills freely conform to His. We want cattle who can finally become food; He wants servants who can finally become sons. We want to suck in, He wants to give out. We are empty and would be filled; He is full and flows over. Our war aim is a world in which Our Father Below has drawn all other beings into himsef: the Enemy wants a world full of beings united to Him but still distinct.

And what is where troughs come in. You must have often wondered why the Enemy does not make more use of His power to be sensivly present to human souls in any degree He chooses and at any moment. But you now see that the Irresistible and the Indisputable are the two weapons which the very nature of His scheme forbids Him to use. Merely to override a human will... would be for Him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo. For His ignoble idea is to eat the cake and have it; the creatures are to be one with Him, but yet themselves; merely to cancel them, or assimilate them, will not serve. He is prepared to do a little overriding at the beginning. He will set them off with communication of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over tempation. But He never allows this state of affairs to last long. Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs--to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best. We can drag our patients along by continual tempting, because we design them only for the table, and the more their will is interfered with the better. He cannot "tempt" to virtue as we do to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take aways His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.

Your affectionate uncle


Thursday, September 20, 2007


Well, I got suckered into babysitting Noah and Emily tonight [Boo!] while my sister and her husband are at the Bluffton street fair. But I mean, it's not awful. I have a Starbucks frappuccino with me and hours of Thomas the Tank Engine on both VHS and DVD. Plus, uh, my econ homework.

I really should be dong that homework right now but I can't focus. I don't care about econ anyway... as long as I pass the class. [Such a lie. I want a good grade in that class... I just don't want to work for it!]

Harold is my favorite on this show... on Thomas, I mean. Harold is the helicopter. He's the only one without creepy moving eyes. And he's not limited to the track the whole time. Heck, he's not even limited to the island of Sodor! Geesh, I wish I lived on Sodor. Let's think about it though, no really, think.

The island is first of all pretty. When there's that nice panorama shot with the trees, the setting sun, and the choo-chooing of Thomas and his buddies. Hullo, it's a lovely little island.

Besides that, how many wars happen on Sodor? None. Who would it be against? Sir Toppumhat vs. the victor? There are like three people who live there.

And finally, to go to a place where the trains talk to you is just convenient:

"Hey Thomas, take me to the mall!"

"Okay Lauren! I'll be sure to leave a boxcar empty for all your new clothes!"

"Thanks Thomas!"

Wow, see. It'd be freaking cool.

[And yes, I know that's horrible support for my Sodor theory. But right now it's keeping me busy... Especially since Noah's just sitting in his little chair and cooing. Not a lot of action goin' on here. Hmm]

yo! Lauren

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

delaying gratification

So God's teaching me what that means: to delay gratification. Because, as most people are, I'd rather have things handed to me without any struggle and without any time lost. And when that's not reality, I get ticked.

I mean, it's not like I desire bad things to be gratified. Like, the Bible is filled with verses about not gratifying your SINFUL desires. Oh, it's none of that. I just want things my way. And when they don't work out the way I'd like, in MY time frame, I get upset.

It's a matter of patience more than anything else. If I ever just looked at things in a broader perspective, realizing that my time frame is insignificant, I'd see that it really IS okay that things aren't "working out as I had planned" because God knows what He's doing. I can hold out just a little longer.... and expect that God is working for my good.

And so, I will delay gratification as long as I can.



Thursday, September 13, 2007


Today was the first day I've felt overwhelmed this school year. Luckily, though I had about 5 writing assignments this week, I got all my English done BEFORE tomorrow's due date. But as for newspaper... I'm sorry but it's really hard to write about sushi!

And so now, though I have econ to read, I'm going to just rest. Rest and bask in the peace that comes from God. <3

Even more, I'm going to bask and listen to Dustin Kensrue while I take a nice long bubble bath. [aaahhh...] And then when all of that is finished and I have revised my article one more time (or add a bunch of words b/c its still a good 200 words short!) I will do my econ... and pray that I understand it. [ha, what an awful quiz today, am I right?]


Wednesday, September 12, 2007

I'd put all my money on you...

And so this week continues.

For once, only the second time this year, I've been able to go to the library in study hall. Like I said, only ONCE this year because of those sophomores and juniors who go just to talk. (Not that I wasn't one of them last year). But a girl could use a computer break every once and a while. [Like right now.]

I have so much due Friday but no incentive to work. AP Essay, OPTIC write-up, Newspaper article about sushi... oh where does it end? Sure, that's just about all my homework for this week (even now in study hall I have so very little to do) but I have absolutely no desire to do any of it. I'm sick of writing (rambling's way more fun!)

I kind of wish I had a good (not previously read) book to read. I'm rereading Brave New World and The Art of Rejection by Hayley DiMarco but there's not much keeping my attention. Bleh. Or I could get This Present Darkness from the library, again, the third time for me. The book just makes me wish I could writer better than I currently do, yet I hate the unnecessary details. Okay, so it's a really dirty jailhouse--I get the picture, Frank!

As for interning... I hope I do something exciting today. Or, to my preference, Tom won't have anything for me to do so I can go on Facebook the whole time.

I suppose I really should start working on some homework. At least start researching sushi. Okay what do I already know... raw fish, Japanese, smelly, cold, uhhh... 'guess that's it. I better start researching.

Until next time. [Wow, what an overused outro]


Monday, September 10, 2007

a stone or bread?

"And there is a communion with God that asks for nothing, yet asks for everything..... He who seeks the Father more than anything He can give, is likely to have what he asks, for he is not likely to ask amiss." [George MacDonald]

I wondered yesterday if it is better to ASK AMISS or to IGNORE what we really want and pray generalized prayers: Dear God, bless me. Dear God, I pray something good happens today.

Because on one hand, the "hand" most people would agree with, it isn't right to ask for wealth or happiness. We should be ready to face the odds! Get hurt! Suffer for Christ!

And that's true, is it not?

God doesn't give us a perfect little world because He doesn't want us to become a) selfish b) greedy or c) selfish again. So we DO suffer, we DO have to give up stuff every once in a while.

And to pray for something like a car is foolish. It's got to be foolish: God, give me a Porsche. God, I want a convertible VW. I want that funhouse car they made on Monster Garage last week.

But when we pray "Dear God, make me happy" aren't we hinting that we want that car?

We're trying to lie to ourselves: God, I want to be happy. We don't get a car and we're sad. We mend a broken relationship. We find $20 in a pair of jeans. It's pizza day at lunch. But we don't SEE those things because they aren't a car. God, why didn't you give me a car?

You have not because you ask not.

But will God give you that car you want? Probably not. It's not really necessary is it? You have your little Dodge Neon. It'll get you to school and back.

But by praying that prayer DESPITE its obvious outcome, we're better off. We are being true to God. Our prayer should be "IF IT IS YOUR WILL can I please get a new car?" not simply "MAKE ME HAPPY."

God wants us to realize what He's doing in our life. He wants US to make a CONSCIOUS effort to see what's going on in His.

So pray. Not just half hearted "bless me"s, but true from the heart pleads. Through prayer and petition with thanksgiving.


Thursday, September 6, 2007

the good Lord smiled, and looked the other way.

And so we are here again. Guess what, folks, it's time for a new triangle.

For those of you not too sure what I'm talking about, I'll explain: God teaches me things through triangles. WHY? Well, for one, I have a tendancy to draw triangles. Secondly, triangles have 3 corners--father, son, holy spirit. You know the drill

So I have reached my 5th triangle. I'm psyched. I love it when I enter a new "season" of life. Moreover, I'm excited that God tells me when it's time for one. So here we are new Season of life, how do you do?
TRIANGLE 1: The Slice of Pizza. <--Summer 2005

The summer after 6th grade I started actually making my faith personal. Yeah, it was far from a mature faith, or even a CHRISTIAN faith [so many questions, so many things I otherwised relied on] but through that period I grew so close to God.

My faith was about proving myself. I memorized verses, I prayed and prayed and prayed. I didn't know what it was to be a Christian so I made it up. I was a moral little thing.

The pizza represents Ashley and my idea of this "pizza part-ay in heaven". We're planning a huge blowout when we get There. BarlowGirl's invited. And Big Daddy Weave.

TRIANGE 2: The Pine Tree. Summer 2005-December 2005

The pine tree meant wilderness. And what's more accurate about the wilderness than its romanticism? Think The Last of the Mohicans. Intimate. Secluded.

This year [summer after my freshmen year into my sophomore year] I had my biggest crush and longest crush up until that point. I thought this guy was it. I had never liked a guy like this one. BUT through all this God showed me how to fall passionately in love with Him, through Jesus Christ. I learned what it was like to be intimate with Christ. It was this year that I first learned how to really listen to God.
TRIANGLE 3: The Mountain. December 2005-December 2006

This was probably my least favorite triangle. The mountain represents those cool times with God. When life is easy, talking to God is easy, and show tunes flow through your head constantly. But there are things called valleys.

This year [wow, all these last close to a whole year] I had probably the most valleys I had ever had. Ashley and I had our cahoots. Amanda and I had. I was single. When I dated, we fought. School sucked like noneother [think: the beginning of junior year--tough stuff!]. It was when I learned what a "bench moment" was: when there are times it is just EASY to talk to God... and then sometimes you just have to get off the bench (which is no fun).

I experienced valleys and they helped me appreciate the Mountain.

TRIANGLE 4: Delta. December 2006-September 2007

In Chemistry Delta [a little triangle] goes above the arrow in a chemical equation to show that the products were heated. There is this law in Chemistry... you know a chemical reaction takes place if light gives heat. [a flame, glowing neon, etc] Strangely enough there is a song called Light Gives Heat by jars of clay. And even stranger, there's a verse in the bible about light. It says to be a LIGHT UNTO THE WORLD.

And that's what this triangle means.

This season I learned how to live my faith out like never before. I started a prayer group. I was reminded of God's call on my life: to be Ezekiel, the watchman.
TRIANGLE 5: Change. September 2007-->

Mr. Adams used a triangle to represent the world CHANGE today in econ. I don't think there's a better triangle than that one for this part of my life. I decided to do things differently. I'm not going to cling to my usual things, I'm going to simply trust God. I'm clean. I have no hidden sins, I'm confronting them all.

It's definately a change for me. ;-)

God is pretty cool. I'm excited to see where He's taking me. For now, I know it's going to be something different. Wow, it sounds like I'm trying to add a conclusion to this blog. It needs none!


Wednesday, September 5, 2007

I have not been abandoned, no I have not been.

Carroll High School has its ups and downs, but I have to say I appreciate block day Wednesday [this semester anyway].

I had ER, Homeroom, Activity Period, and Study Hall to read. I had some homework to do, but I got to read an entire book today. Yes, and it was by John Eldredge: Dare to Desire.

We'll just throw some quotes out and I'll respond AP English style.

"Don't be fooled by the apparent innocence of the object you've chosen to fill your heart's desire. We'll make an idol out of any good thing." [page 58]

And so I have.

I was concerned when I first picked up this book [at 10:00 this morning lol]. I thought it'd be about following your heart, pursuing your dreams to the point of utter devotion. As if following your heart was always equivelant to following Christ. Not always. There are still things called idols.

To follow up, "Addiction may seem like too strong a term to some of you. The woman who is serving so faithfully at church....your hobbies can be a nuisance sometimes, but to call any of this an addiction seems to stretch the word a bit too far. I have one simple response: give it up." [pages 62-63]

And for that quote I am convinced God wanted me to read this book. I needed to let go. Not because all my desires are bad, but because they were in control. Now I'm dream-free [like I said] or at least not tied down to anything. Right now anyway, I don't know where God's leading me... but I'll trust Him!

"God must take the heaven we create or it will become our hell." [page 62]

And this is why I'm giving it to God. I don't know what's best for me. I pray amiss. It's up to God.

And so here I am. Again, sounds awfully weird to say I'm hope-less and dream-less. Because I am full of HOPE [godly hope!] and though I have nothing to think about before I drift into sweet sweet sleep, I get by. Somewhere in my heart I know God's planning something for me.... I just have to wait to see what that is.

And so we do no lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us a glory that far outweighs them all! [paraphrase, II Corinthians 3:?]

oh no You never let go,


Monday, September 3, 2007

wake me when it's springtime in heaven

"If you don't go all the way with me, through thick and thin, you don't deserve me. If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me." Matthew 10:38f

That very verse implies you know who's you know who. Or, well, okay. That verse holds a lot of weight in my life, not just spiritually, but emotionally.

And that's what I want to do I guess. Like, everyone says they're obeying that verse... then once they actually DO obey it, they know they haven't been. Make sense?

Finally I'm letting go. Finally I'm dreamless--an empty vessel. God, move me. Make me someone special.

I have no plans, no theories, no ambitions, no plan B or C, no goals, no ulterior motive, no nothing. Double negative, no NOTHING.

Which is good. Ha, okay, it may look bad from your perspective. I need goals. I need vision. Blahdy blah blah.

I have a direction I'm heading, but I have no commitment to it. I have things I'd like to do, but nothing major. God, I'm an empty vessel, I ask that you fill me.


pulling the plug.

So I'm no longer his friend on Facebook. Ha, I felt like I was pulling the plug on a dying relative. What a mental image, putting to death my dreams. Or like on Titanic, it's like I let go of Jack and watched him sink to the bottom.

It's all not a very pretty picture.

But it was about time, wasn't it?

Now that I'm crushless and visonless... I have time to really see things. For one, I see opportunities. I have no money and I got a websiting potential. That's a good opportunity (and I jumped at it).

I'm noticing the kinds of people the churchians are. Should I be worried? Is there really a focus on the spiritual? I have one year to influence 'em. I am Ezekiel, wouldn't he do more? Wouldn't he make more of an effort to keep these guys accountable?

I don't really know yet. I don't know where God is taking me. But I trust Him.

God's always found time to teach me about trust. I remember one time He really questioned me on my reliance in Him. He asked me what it meant to trust, and all I came up with was that if I jumped off a cliff, He'd rescue me.

But can I trust Him with stuff like this? My dreams? My ambitions?

God, I want to. I really truly do.

And that's what I'm going to figure out.

Bring it on, Life.

I'm ready.

In Him. With Love,

Lauren Deidra

my heart or the hatchet.

I hate growing up.

Ashley said that to me today and I think I have to agree. I want to be a 12 year old again. Remember 12-year-old crushes? Remember how happy we were when they just smiled our way. Or when it didnt matter if the guy was actually a good guy or not--it wasn't like it was going anywhere.

I so desire to be that kid again. But I'm not. I have to face the complexities of being a young adult. Bleh.

I have decided to throw in the towel on my longest crush ever (one year, 9 months to this very day). It's not getting me anywhere. I don't know how much its hindering me, we'll find that out soon enough, but it's not drawing me any closer to the Father. And for that, I've gotta just let go.

And now I don't really know where to go. I have obeyed God's calling thus far. I've made the prayer group like He insisted. I'm doing my best to set the example (okay, maybe not my BEST). I'm writing (the one thing God tells me to do whenever I feel like I'm not doing anything...).

So I guess I need a new plan. A new vision, if you will. [A new dream]

I wish there was stability here, but there isn't. I guess that's God's little plan for me itself. I love order, He deprives me of it [all for the good of the cause!]. No but really, it's good training for me.

I guess I'm just saying that I want to trust God. I want Him to decide what to do with my life, my time, my heart. But it's hard because right now I have nothing to feed off of. It's like an clean slate--I have no idea where God is taking me in this part of my life. I guess it's time to find a new triangle [if only you knew...]

I'll end with a closing verse(s).

Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. [romans 5:5, NKJV]

And hope will never let us down.... [romans 5:5a, NIrV]

...we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit! [romans 5:5b, The Message]

Such hope never disappoints or deludes or shames us, for God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us. [romans 5:5, the amplified bible]

with hope. or such like it,


Friday, August 31, 2007

show choir.

Even though I'm no longer in show choir, I'm a part of show choir.

When you quit, you don't actually quit.

You're still friends with the same people, and at lunch there's no where else to sit but The Show Choir Table. And it's because of that I have labeled myself the Show Choir Preacher. There's really no other way to describe it.

I know show choir kids are the most dramatic ones in the world. They spend 3 hours a day together, competing against each other to be the best, yet relying on each other as part of a team. They date one another. They hate one another.

Every year there seems to be a show choir "groupie"--someone not in choir who likes to hang around the choir kids just pretending they were "one of them." When I dropped out of choir I thought I'd become that person. That scared me because no one likes that person--he or she is a tag-along. Rightfully so: they voluntarily immerse themself in drama. Me, I'm not like that. Like I said, I'm the show choir preacher.

And I'm not a preacher as in I start my day thumpin' Bibles on their heads. No one likes that. No, not even sequence-wearing, hair-pieced, makeup-ed, jazz handed, show choir kids like something that extreme. [Jesus, that is.]

You cannot combine the two.

I don't mean to say there aren't any Christians in show choir, there are in fact. But when you're in choir, when you're singing, when you're dancing, when you're gossiping like all show choir girls and boys do, you can't possibly keep Jesus in the front of your mind. Or can you?

You're supposed to dance seductively at practice with your WWJD wristband on. Or wear a lowcut dress at a competition that shows some, well, clevage then go to church the next day.

And Lord knows that just because you're a Christian, you're not free from drama. I wish!

So here I am. I am out of choir and relatively free from drama (though, I'm sure people talk about me as much as they do the next girl). So what is my job? My friends are in choir. I have very few friends free from that realm....

I am that show choir preacher. Not called to preach, but to set the example. I'm the goody-goody, the "safe" one everyone is used to taunting. But they can't taunt me (I was once one of them (a show choir kid, that is)).

I know who I am; I know God's call on my life: not just to be the example for those who know God, but for those who don't.

In Him. With Love,


Thursday, August 30, 2007


I put myself into the category I think most women put themselves in.

I feel as though I am too much... and yet not enough at all.

Does that make sense?

I push myself, I make myself known, I take control, I'm ambitious.... If a guy saw me in action, he'd say that I am a strong girl.

I doubt myself, I fail, I'm not the best, I have no self-confidence, I lack focus.... If a guy saw me walking down the street he'd say I were timid.

I am TOO much because I push myself to the point of being ugly. I want things so perfect that I go insane trying to make them that way. I expect people to follow my standards. I make lofty goals and achieve them. I don't WANT there to be room to grow... I want to grow above and beyond reality.

I am NOT enough in that I don't have faith that can move mountains. I rely too much on hope and not enough in God. I don't have the drive to witness to my peers. I am scared to death of people. Heck, I barely even LIKE people. I would rather slink behind a wall then make my presence known.

How can I live such a paradoxical life? How can I be two people at once?

I am not either person. I am Lauren.

God never told me that I am TOO much or that I'm NOT enough. He told me who I am. He's given me a new name. He's called me to be Ezekiel--Ezekiel the watchman. That is who I am.

I'm not called to be a workaholic business woman.

I'm not called to be a stain-wearing techie.

I'm called to be ME.

There's a difference between being unworthy of God and being unworthy of man. We can never be worthy of God. He is too much for our comprehension. He's too multi-dimensional for us to grasp. But we can be worthy of man.

We ARE worthy of man.

God created men and women to be equal. God saw them both as good.

God loves sinners and saints alike. He loves people with dark skin and ivory skin. He loves blondes as much as brunettes.

He loves us equally. We are equal. We are worthy of each other.

For me to say I am too much or not enough, what standard am I comparing myself to? Am I comparing myself to another? We are all equal. I am not too much for you. I am enough. God made me this way.

I am in his image.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you;

Today's rant:

I've realized something about people, in particular teens, and their appreciation for what they have--be it a person place or thing. Really, it's all about a lack of appreciation--teenagers seem to forget to appreciate what they have, except when that thing is taken away from then. Then they whine.

I put myself into that category as well. I myself do it just as much as the next person, maybe even more, but I'm not about to justify it. Being unappreciative is just like being selfish. Either one's a sin.

Let's talk hypothetically here. Say Ted has this iPod video. He loves it. He takes it everywhere. But one day his mom gives him an iPhone. What's he going to do with that iPod? Give it to the homeless? Donate it to a non-profit org.? No.

He's going to either sell it on ebay or keep it for who-knows-what.

Yeah, he likes his iPhone way more than that iPod video, but he's not about to just throw it away. Too many memories. Too much money spent.

Example number two: Say you have this awesome youth pastor. He's young, hip, and knows a thing or two about Jesus. Well, ya'll are really close for a year or so... then one day you get a new youth coach. Now this guy is youngER and hipPer and can't talk about Jesus without a big smile on his face. You cling to him.


He's young? he's hip?

No, he's new.

Your youth pastor is thrown out into the dust. You like this new guy better. He's young, he's hip, you say. He knows a thing or two about Jesus [but so does your youth pastor!].

And if your youth pastor backs off to let the new guy have some of the spotlight...?

You feel abandoned, betrayed, or like your youth pastor never mattered to you at all. All because the new guy is, in fact, new.

Maybe this wasn't hypothetical afterall. But you see the point. No people or things are perfect--they weren't meant to be. But you cannot throw people out the way you throw away your old ipod.

Be appreciative.


Thursday, August 23, 2007

I want to please my commanding officer.

Endure hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs—he wants to please his commanding officer. II Timothy 2:3f

I realized I do not think enough. It all started last year when I poisened my mind with--oh what's that thing called?--oh yeah, school. I spent the first 2 months of school, the easiest part of the year, gloating over Luke. Then once things got hard I had too much chem/pre-calc/AP english thinking to do that I forgot to really think.

In other words, my blogs got dull. I had no insights because I was overusing my brain. Now I have to remember how TO think. Oh, it's a rather confusing situation. I won't try to explain it anymore.

So back to that verse up there.

I really got hit with that verse the other day. I don't even know why I thought of it. I know why I needed to hear it though.

As a Christian, as a warrior for God, I can't let myself surrender to stupid little "teenage dramas". There's just no place for it. My best example of this was with a darn kid named John Derek. By letting myself crush over him I 1. got distracted by him 2. forgot about finding a worthy guy 3. got jealous because he flirted with 14 year olds just as much as me [I'm 17, by gum!]

And other distractions come up as well.

But it's so not healthy.

For one, I always need to be on guard for my OWN faith, but most importantly OTHERS' faith.

I can't be swayed by every darn good looking boy that comes my way because then the littluns [the jr. highers and underclassmen] will think its okay... and thus the cycle continues. I don't want that.

I want to be a godly example. I want girls to know that you shouldn't "settle." I don't care if it's just a boyfriend, not a husband, girls should be careful who they like. I should be careful who I like.

I'm kind of going off on a rant here. [Mrs. Pickett would be disappointed.]

I better quit while I'm ahead.

Happy Thursday [evening]!

Lauren Deidra

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Mr. Sunshine

Today I had a freshmen year flashback.

Second semester of my freshmen year I was blessed with B lunch... and no one to sit by. [[How come everyone has C lunch anymore?]] Nevertheless, I was forced to sit by people I didn't really know. And talk to people I didn't really know.

Well, today, Wednesday, I had to do that exact same thing... and will have to do it all semester. Ironically, I'm sitting by the same people I sat with freshmen year. And I'm still making that nonsensical small talk.

And so I got to thinking.

Maybe that's a good goal to have. I need to learn to make small talk a lot better. I mean, I'm good at making it with people I know fairly well. Like kids at youth group. But how about people I don't know? And adults [gulp!]?

So I have decided to comprise a list of things I should be able to do by the end of this school year.

  1. Be confident and unafraid to make small talk with adults and students

  2. Learn how to write an effective newspaper/magazine article

  3. Learn how to write eloquently

  4. Learn how to control the sound system at church [unrelated but hey, I wanna learn]

  5. Learn how to manage my own business including advertisement and marketing [!]

Hopefully those will be accomplished by the end of this year. Or at least, uh, practically accomplished. Like being on the VERGE of accomplishment. Yeah. That'll do.

Today's my first day of my internship. I'm excited. I hope I learn some nice quality things. I want to put this on my resume and be able to say, "Yes, my internship at Northeast Christian Church was a success for me because...." :-)

Afraid of the future.

As usual.

Lauren Deidra

Tuesday, August 21, 2007


I finally found a blogging site that isn't restricted at school. Kudos to me.

Talk about uneventful. I'm about to fall asleep and I still have a good 55 minutes left of school. I have my homework due friday complete. I suppose I could grab my econ book from my locker and get that done way ahead of time. But then what would I do in study hall tomorrow?

The good thing is, I have plenty of time to do my gov't correspondance studies, write my article for Newspaper, do some websiting, scholarships, etc. But will I actually do that stuff? Probably not.

[I should though.]

After I do all the hw I have for the next two weeks it'll be time to start on the more necessary stuff. Geesh.

Two weeks from Friday is Godstock. In other words, two weeks to secure the bands, make fliers, blahdy blah.... As excited as I am for it, I'm afraid it'll suck. Or it'll just be hardcore kids. Nothing against them, but what about the non-skinny jean wearing crowd without the band tees and scene hair and....

Our rock groups and acoustic-y stuff is not really... good. Well, I think the hornbargers and Gabe Schneider's band is good. Eric and Mandy are good too. If we get Mile 7... they're good as well but that's like it. No one replied to me or Ashley about playing. Sadly, we need them. [even if they suck]

I guess we don't NEED them. I just want more bands because they have their groupies and that means more admissions. [Gotta send some kids to camp!]

Nevertheless, I'm a little concerned about the whole thing. But it'll be okay. I hope.

I suppose I should start on that working ahead thing I was talking about before.

Happy Tuesday.

In Him. With Love,

Lauren Deidra

Monday, August 20, 2007

And what does the future have in store?

Welcome future.

I decided to say goodbye to Myspace and Facebook blogs all together. I would just end up doing what I always do... livejournal to xanga to myspace to facebook. I need to end the cycle now. Of course, this will be my last new blog. I know, I know. That's a pretty big thing to say seeing that I am just seventeen. I have at least five years until I'm married[apparently I know when cupid will make his runs to Green Ash Court] and let's pray another 10 until little David Telemachus is born. Oh gosh.

Nonetheless, I want this to be my last blog. How cool would it be to see my life progression all on one blog? Or at least I'll have something to laugh at down the road.

This is has been the third day of my senior year of high school. It's kind of a cool feeling. I always thought seniors were these gods that were just cool by nature. When I was in seventh or eighth grade I read The Ishbane Conspiracy [by Randy Alcorn] which is about seniors, and now I could be them. Well, you know what I mean. Finding a prospective college. Taking my friend to get an abortion.... what? [Just read the book.]

It's like I'm about to enter this whole new world [don't sing..] of adulthood. I have an internship [NECC], a career [] and a somewhat stable outlook on life [because of muh savior]. Now all I gotta do is make something of it all. I gotta write. I gotta design. I gotta pray like nobody's business.

Cuz I'll be in college in a year.


In Him. With Love,

Lauren Deidra