Even though I'm no longer in show choir, I'm a part of show choir.
When you quit, you don't actually quit.
You're still friends with the same people, and at lunch there's no where else to sit but The Show Choir Table. And it's because of that I have labeled myself the Show Choir Preacher. There's really no other way to describe it.
I know show choir kids are the most dramatic ones in the world. They spend 3 hours a day together, competing against each other to be the best, yet relying on each other as part of a team. They date one another. They hate one another.
Every year there seems to be a show choir "groupie"--someone not in choir who likes to hang around the choir kids just pretending they were "one of them." When I dropped out of choir I thought I'd become that person. That scared me because no one likes that person--he or she is a tag-along. Rightfully so: they voluntarily immerse themself in drama. Me, I'm not like that. Like I said, I'm the show choir preacher.
And I'm not a preacher as in I start my day thumpin' Bibles on their heads. No one likes that. No, not even sequence-wearing, hair-pieced, makeup-ed, jazz handed, show choir kids like something that extreme. [Jesus, that is.]
You cannot combine the two.
I don't mean to say there aren't any Christians in show choir, there are in fact. But when you're in choir, when you're singing, when you're dancing, when you're gossiping like all show choir girls and boys do, you can't possibly keep Jesus in the front of your mind. Or can you?
You're supposed to dance seductively at practice with your WWJD wristband on. Or wear a lowcut dress at a competition that shows some, well, clevage then go to church the next day.
And Lord knows that just because you're a Christian, you're not free from drama. I wish!
So here I am. I am out of choir and relatively free from drama (though, I'm sure people talk about me as much as they do the next girl). So what is my job? My friends are in choir. I have very few friends free from that realm....
I am that show choir preacher. Not called to preach, but to set the example. I'm the goody-goody, the "safe" one everyone is used to taunting. But they can't taunt me (I was once one of them (a show choir kid, that is)).
I know who I am; I know God's call on my life: not just to be the example for those who know God, but for those who don't.
In Him. With Love,
Ezek.
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Friday, August 31, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
worthy
I put myself into the category I think most women put themselves in.
I feel as though I am too much... and yet not enough at all.
Does that make sense?
I push myself, I make myself known, I take control, I'm ambitious.... If a guy saw me in action, he'd say that I am a strong girl.
I doubt myself, I fail, I'm not the best, I have no self-confidence, I lack focus.... If a guy saw me walking down the street he'd say I were timid.
I am TOO much because I push myself to the point of being ugly. I want things so perfect that I go insane trying to make them that way. I expect people to follow my standards. I make lofty goals and achieve them. I don't WANT there to be room to grow... I want to grow above and beyond reality.
I am NOT enough in that I don't have faith that can move mountains. I rely too much on hope and not enough in God. I don't have the drive to witness to my peers. I am scared to death of people. Heck, I barely even LIKE people. I would rather slink behind a wall then make my presence known.
How can I live such a paradoxical life? How can I be two people at once?
I am not either person. I am Lauren.
God never told me that I am TOO much or that I'm NOT enough. He told me who I am. He's given me a new name. He's called me to be Ezekiel--Ezekiel the watchman. That is who I am.
I'm not called to be a workaholic business woman.
I'm not called to be a stain-wearing techie.
I'm called to be ME.
There's a difference between being unworthy of God and being unworthy of man. We can never be worthy of God. He is too much for our comprehension. He's too multi-dimensional for us to grasp. But we can be worthy of man.
We ARE worthy of man.
God created men and women to be equal. God saw them both as good.
God loves sinners and saints alike. He loves people with dark skin and ivory skin. He loves blondes as much as brunettes.
He loves us equally. We are equal. We are worthy of each other.
For me to say I am too much or not enough, what standard am I comparing myself to? Am I comparing myself to another? We are all equal. I am not too much for you. I am enough. God made me this way.
I am in his image.
I feel as though I am too much... and yet not enough at all.
Does that make sense?
I push myself, I make myself known, I take control, I'm ambitious.... If a guy saw me in action, he'd say that I am a strong girl.
I doubt myself, I fail, I'm not the best, I have no self-confidence, I lack focus.... If a guy saw me walking down the street he'd say I were timid.
I am TOO much because I push myself to the point of being ugly. I want things so perfect that I go insane trying to make them that way. I expect people to follow my standards. I make lofty goals and achieve them. I don't WANT there to be room to grow... I want to grow above and beyond reality.
I am NOT enough in that I don't have faith that can move mountains. I rely too much on hope and not enough in God. I don't have the drive to witness to my peers. I am scared to death of people. Heck, I barely even LIKE people. I would rather slink behind a wall then make my presence known.
How can I live such a paradoxical life? How can I be two people at once?
I am not either person. I am Lauren.
God never told me that I am TOO much or that I'm NOT enough. He told me who I am. He's given me a new name. He's called me to be Ezekiel--Ezekiel the watchman. That is who I am.
I'm not called to be a workaholic business woman.
I'm not called to be a stain-wearing techie.
I'm called to be ME.
There's a difference between being unworthy of God and being unworthy of man. We can never be worthy of God. He is too much for our comprehension. He's too multi-dimensional for us to grasp. But we can be worthy of man.
We ARE worthy of man.
God created men and women to be equal. God saw them both as good.
God loves sinners and saints alike. He loves people with dark skin and ivory skin. He loves blondes as much as brunettes.
He loves us equally. We are equal. We are worthy of each other.
For me to say I am too much or not enough, what standard am I comparing myself to? Am I comparing myself to another? We are all equal. I am not too much for you. I am enough. God made me this way.
I am in his image.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you;
Today's rant:
I've realized something about people, in particular teens, and their appreciation for what they have--be it a person place or thing. Really, it's all about a lack of appreciation--teenagers seem to forget to appreciate what they have, except when that thing is taken away from then. Then they whine.
I put myself into that category as well. I myself do it just as much as the next person, maybe even more, but I'm not about to justify it. Being unappreciative is just like being selfish. Either one's a sin.
Let's talk hypothetically here. Say Ted has this iPod video. He loves it. He takes it everywhere. But one day his mom gives him an iPhone. What's he going to do with that iPod? Give it to the homeless? Donate it to a non-profit org.? No.
He's going to either sell it on ebay or keep it for who-knows-what.
Yeah, he likes his iPhone way more than that iPod video, but he's not about to just throw it away. Too many memories. Too much money spent.
Example number two: Say you have this awesome youth pastor. He's young, hip, and knows a thing or two about Jesus. Well, ya'll are really close for a year or so... then one day you get a new youth coach. Now this guy is youngER and hipPer and can't talk about Jesus without a big smile on his face. You cling to him.
Why?
He's young? he's hip?
No, he's new.
Your youth pastor is thrown out into the dust. You like this new guy better. He's young, he's hip, you say. He knows a thing or two about Jesus [but so does your youth pastor!].
And if your youth pastor backs off to let the new guy have some of the spotlight...?
You feel abandoned, betrayed, or like your youth pastor never mattered to you at all. All because the new guy is, in fact, new.
Maybe this wasn't hypothetical afterall. But you see the point. No people or things are perfect--they weren't meant to be. But you cannot throw people out the way you throw away your old ipod.
Be appreciative.
♥Lauren.
I've realized something about people, in particular teens, and their appreciation for what they have--be it a person place or thing. Really, it's all about a lack of appreciation--teenagers seem to forget to appreciate what they have, except when that thing is taken away from then. Then they whine.
I put myself into that category as well. I myself do it just as much as the next person, maybe even more, but I'm not about to justify it. Being unappreciative is just like being selfish. Either one's a sin.
Let's talk hypothetically here. Say Ted has this iPod video. He loves it. He takes it everywhere. But one day his mom gives him an iPhone. What's he going to do with that iPod? Give it to the homeless? Donate it to a non-profit org.? No.
He's going to either sell it on ebay or keep it for who-knows-what.
Yeah, he likes his iPhone way more than that iPod video, but he's not about to just throw it away. Too many memories. Too much money spent.
Example number two: Say you have this awesome youth pastor. He's young, hip, and knows a thing or two about Jesus. Well, ya'll are really close for a year or so... then one day you get a new youth coach. Now this guy is youngER and hipPer and can't talk about Jesus without a big smile on his face. You cling to him.
Why?
He's young? he's hip?
No, he's new.
Your youth pastor is thrown out into the dust. You like this new guy better. He's young, he's hip, you say. He knows a thing or two about Jesus [but so does your youth pastor!].
And if your youth pastor backs off to let the new guy have some of the spotlight...?
You feel abandoned, betrayed, or like your youth pastor never mattered to you at all. All because the new guy is, in fact, new.
Maybe this wasn't hypothetical afterall. But you see the point. No people or things are perfect--they weren't meant to be. But you cannot throw people out the way you throw away your old ipod.
Be appreciative.
♥Lauren.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
I want to please my commanding officer.
Endure hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs—he wants to please his commanding officer. II Timothy 2:3f
I realized I do not think enough. It all started last year when I poisened my mind with--oh what's that thing called?--oh yeah, school. I spent the first 2 months of school, the easiest part of the year, gloating over Luke. Then once things got hard I had too much chem/pre-calc/AP english thinking to do that I forgot to really think.
In other words, my blogs got dull. I had no insights because I was overusing my brain. Now I have to remember how TO think. Oh, it's a rather confusing situation. I won't try to explain it anymore.
So back to that verse up there.
I really got hit with that verse the other day. I don't even know why I thought of it. I know why I needed to hear it though.
As a Christian, as a warrior for God, I can't let myself surrender to stupid little "teenage dramas". There's just no place for it. My best example of this was with a darn kid named John Derek. By letting myself crush over him I 1. got distracted by him 2. forgot about finding a worthy guy 3. got jealous because he flirted with 14 year olds just as much as me [I'm 17, by gum!]
And other distractions come up as well.
But it's so not healthy.
For one, I always need to be on guard for my OWN faith, but most importantly OTHERS' faith.
I can't be swayed by every darn good looking boy that comes my way because then the littluns [the jr. highers and underclassmen] will think its okay... and thus the cycle continues. I don't want that.
I want to be a godly example. I want girls to know that you shouldn't "settle." I don't care if it's just a boyfriend, not a husband, girls should be careful who they like. I should be careful who I like.
I'm kind of going off on a rant here. [Mrs. Pickett would be disappointed.]
I better quit while I'm ahead.
Happy Thursday [evening]!
Lauren Deidra
I realized I do not think enough. It all started last year when I poisened my mind with--oh what's that thing called?--oh yeah, school. I spent the first 2 months of school, the easiest part of the year, gloating over Luke. Then once things got hard I had too much chem/pre-calc/AP english thinking to do that I forgot to really think.
In other words, my blogs got dull. I had no insights because I was overusing my brain. Now I have to remember how TO think. Oh, it's a rather confusing situation. I won't try to explain it anymore.
So back to that verse up there.
I really got hit with that verse the other day. I don't even know why I thought of it. I know why I needed to hear it though.
As a Christian, as a warrior for God, I can't let myself surrender to stupid little "teenage dramas". There's just no place for it. My best example of this was with a darn kid named John Derek. By letting myself crush over him I 1. got distracted by him 2. forgot about finding a worthy guy 3. got jealous because he flirted with 14 year olds just as much as me [I'm 17, by gum!]
And other distractions come up as well.
But it's so not healthy.
For one, I always need to be on guard for my OWN faith, but most importantly OTHERS' faith.
I can't be swayed by every darn good looking boy that comes my way because then the littluns [the jr. highers and underclassmen] will think its okay... and thus the cycle continues. I don't want that.
I want to be a godly example. I want girls to know that you shouldn't "settle." I don't care if it's just a boyfriend, not a husband, girls should be careful who they like. I should be careful who I like.
I'm kind of going off on a rant here. [Mrs. Pickett would be disappointed.]
I better quit while I'm ahead.
Happy Thursday [evening]!
Lauren Deidra
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Mr. Sunshine
Today I had a freshmen year flashback.
Second semester of my freshmen year I was blessed with B lunch... and no one to sit by. [[How come everyone has C lunch anymore?]] Nevertheless, I was forced to sit by people I didn't really know. And talk to people I didn't really know.
Well, today, Wednesday, I had to do that exact same thing... and will have to do it all semester. Ironically, I'm sitting by the same people I sat with freshmen year. And I'm still making that nonsensical small talk.
And so I got to thinking.
Maybe that's a good goal to have. I need to learn to make small talk a lot better. I mean, I'm good at making it with people I know fairly well. Like kids at youth group. But how about people I don't know? And adults [gulp!]?
So I have decided to comprise a list of things I should be able to do by the end of this school year.
Hopefully those will be accomplished by the end of this year. Or at least, uh, practically accomplished. Like being on the VERGE of accomplishment. Yeah. That'll do.
Today's my first day of my internship. I'm excited. I hope I learn some nice quality things. I want to put this on my resume and be able to say, "Yes, my internship at Northeast Christian Church was a success for me because...." :-)
Afraid of the future.
As usual.
Lauren Deidra
Second semester of my freshmen year I was blessed with B lunch... and no one to sit by. [[How come everyone has C lunch anymore?]] Nevertheless, I was forced to sit by people I didn't really know. And talk to people I didn't really know.
Well, today, Wednesday, I had to do that exact same thing... and will have to do it all semester. Ironically, I'm sitting by the same people I sat with freshmen year. And I'm still making that nonsensical small talk.
And so I got to thinking.
Maybe that's a good goal to have. I need to learn to make small talk a lot better. I mean, I'm good at making it with people I know fairly well. Like kids at youth group. But how about people I don't know? And adults [gulp!]?
So I have decided to comprise a list of things I should be able to do by the end of this school year.
- Be confident and unafraid to make small talk with adults and students
- Learn how to write an effective newspaper/magazine article
- Learn how to write eloquently
- Learn how to control the sound system at church [unrelated but hey, I wanna learn]
- Learn how to manage my own business including advertisement and marketing [www.meatloafdesign.com!]
Hopefully those will be accomplished by the end of this year. Or at least, uh, practically accomplished. Like being on the VERGE of accomplishment. Yeah. That'll do.
Today's my first day of my internship. I'm excited. I hope I learn some nice quality things. I want to put this on my resume and be able to say, "Yes, my internship at Northeast Christian Church was a success for me because...." :-)
Afraid of the future.
As usual.
Lauren Deidra
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Augh.
I finally found a blogging site that isn't restricted at school. Kudos to me.
Talk about uneventful. I'm about to fall asleep and I still have a good 55 minutes left of school. I have my homework due friday complete. I suppose I could grab my econ book from my locker and get that done way ahead of time. But then what would I do in study hall tomorrow?
The good thing is, I have plenty of time to do my gov't correspondance studies, write my article for Newspaper, do some websiting, scholarships, etc. But will I actually do that stuff? Probably not.
[I should though.]
After I do all the hw I have for the next two weeks it'll be time to start on the more necessary stuff. Geesh.
Two weeks from Friday is Godstock. In other words, two weeks to secure the bands, make fliers, blahdy blah.... As excited as I am for it, I'm afraid it'll suck. Or it'll just be hardcore kids. Nothing against them, but what about the non-skinny jean wearing crowd without the band tees and scene hair and....
Our rock groups and acoustic-y stuff is not really... good. Well, I think the hornbargers and Gabe Schneider's band is good. Eric and Mandy are good too. If we get Mile 7... they're good as well but that's like it. No one replied to me or Ashley about playing. Sadly, we need them. [even if they suck]
I guess we don't NEED them. I just want more bands because they have their groupies and that means more admissions. [Gotta send some kids to camp!]
Nevertheless, I'm a little concerned about the whole thing. But it'll be okay. I hope.
I suppose I should start on that working ahead thing I was talking about before.
Happy Tuesday.
In Him. With Love,
Lauren Deidra
Talk about uneventful. I'm about to fall asleep and I still have a good 55 minutes left of school. I have my homework due friday complete. I suppose I could grab my econ book from my locker and get that done way ahead of time. But then what would I do in study hall tomorrow?
The good thing is, I have plenty of time to do my gov't correspondance studies, write my article for Newspaper, do some websiting, scholarships, etc. But will I actually do that stuff? Probably not.
[I should though.]
After I do all the hw I have for the next two weeks it'll be time to start on the more necessary stuff. Geesh.
Two weeks from Friday is Godstock. In other words, two weeks to secure the bands, make fliers, blahdy blah.... As excited as I am for it, I'm afraid it'll suck. Or it'll just be hardcore kids. Nothing against them, but what about the non-skinny jean wearing crowd without the band tees and scene hair and....
Our rock groups and acoustic-y stuff is not really... good. Well, I think the hornbargers and Gabe Schneider's band is good. Eric and Mandy are good too. If we get Mile 7... they're good as well but that's like it. No one replied to me or Ashley about playing. Sadly, we need them. [even if they suck]
I guess we don't NEED them. I just want more bands because they have their groupies and that means more admissions. [Gotta send some kids to camp!]
Nevertheless, I'm a little concerned about the whole thing. But it'll be okay. I hope.
I suppose I should start on that working ahead thing I was talking about before.
Happy Tuesday.
In Him. With Love,
Lauren Deidra
Monday, August 20, 2007
And what does the future have in store?
Welcome future.
I decided to say goodbye to Myspace and Facebook blogs all together. I would just end up doing what I always do... livejournal to xanga to myspace to facebook. I need to end the cycle now. Of course, this will be my last new blog. I know, I know. That's a pretty big thing to say seeing that I am just seventeen. I have at least five years until I'm married[apparently I know when cupid will make his runs to Green Ash Court] and let's pray another 10 until little David Telemachus is born. Oh gosh.
Nonetheless, I want this to be my last blog. How cool would it be to see my life progression all on one blog? Or at least I'll have something to laugh at down the road.
This is has been the third day of my senior year of high school. It's kind of a cool feeling. I always thought seniors were these gods that were just cool by nature. When I was in seventh or eighth grade I read The Ishbane Conspiracy [by Randy Alcorn] which is about seniors, and now I could be them. Well, you know what I mean. Finding a prospective college. Taking my friend to get an abortion.... what? [Just read the book.]
It's like I'm about to enter this whole new world [don't sing..] of adulthood. I have an internship [NECC], a career [meatloafdesign.com] and a somewhat stable outlook on life [because of muh savior]. Now all I gotta do is make something of it all. I gotta write. I gotta design. I gotta pray like nobody's business.
Cuz I'll be in college in a year.
GUULLPPP.
In Him. With Love,
Lauren Deidra
I decided to say goodbye to Myspace and Facebook blogs all together. I would just end up doing what I always do... livejournal to xanga to myspace to facebook. I need to end the cycle now. Of course, this will be my last new blog. I know, I know. That's a pretty big thing to say seeing that I am just seventeen. I have at least five years until I'm married[apparently I know when cupid will make his runs to Green Ash Court] and let's pray another 10 until little David Telemachus is born. Oh gosh.
Nonetheless, I want this to be my last blog. How cool would it be to see my life progression all on one blog? Or at least I'll have something to laugh at down the road.
This is has been the third day of my senior year of high school. It's kind of a cool feeling. I always thought seniors were these gods that were just cool by nature. When I was in seventh or eighth grade I read The Ishbane Conspiracy [by Randy Alcorn] which is about seniors, and now I could be them. Well, you know what I mean. Finding a prospective college. Taking my friend to get an abortion.... what? [Just read the book.]
It's like I'm about to enter this whole new world [don't sing..] of adulthood. I have an internship [NECC], a career [meatloafdesign.com] and a somewhat stable outlook on life [because of muh savior]. Now all I gotta do is make something of it all. I gotta write. I gotta design. I gotta pray like nobody's business.
Cuz I'll be in college in a year.
GUULLPPP.
In Him. With Love,
Lauren Deidra
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