A character who wants something ...

Story.

PROLOGUE: Late last year RELEVANT Magazine died to me. On vintage episodes of their podcast, the crew joked that washed up actors belonged on a "You're Dead to Me Wall." Now they're on mine.

Around that time I read Don Miller's A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: What I Learned While Editing My Life about Don's journey editing his memoir into a film script. In the process he learned what it means to live life as a story -- a story big enough for the big screen.

As this story of mine was dying - my dream of working for RELEVANT Magazine - I started seeing how very small that story was. My dream was to work for a small entertainment magazine. Huh. Not that there's anything wrong with writing for RELEVANT - I still respect its mission, after all - but it's not something worth living for. But that's what I did ... until it died.

It was a long, slow, painful death, starting in January and ending in October. So when the time came for me to put the coffin in the ground, so to speak, I hadn't really planned for life after RELEVANT. What did I want to do with my life? What kind of story did I want to live?

In late October I prayed for a dream to take RELEVANT's place. If the fields must die, something must spring up in its place. This is about that dream.

A CHARACTER: I always play it safe. I don't take risks if I think I'll fail. I've only been rejected by two boys, and both times were done with subtle hints because "Do You Like Me?" is not in my vocabulary.

A typical conversation:
LAUREN: I hate my job! I never want to go back.
JACQUE: Do you just hate your job because you aren't very good at it, and you're used to being good at everything?
LAUREN: Indeed.

A CHARACTER WHO WANTS SOMETHING: That verse in the Bible that says, "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart" comes with stipulations. For one, God isn't going to give you everything you want. I want Leonardo DiCaprio. I'm not going to get Leonardo DiCaprio.

But God wants us to want.

I mean, he wants us to be content with what we have - that's not the point. He doesn't want us to be greedy or covetous or envious - those are two of the seven deadly sins, after all - but he wants us to desire stuff. Mostly he wants us to desire good stuff.

He wants us to desire things like peace and justice for the people in Darfur. He wants us to desire things like health and comfort for the people in Haiti. He wants us to desire bigger, better stories that change us, that take us on journeys and out of our comfort zones.

And so I prayed. RELEVANT was dead and buried, and finally I was okay. There's something more important than writing about pop culture to a Christian audience.

Perusing Jason Boyett's blog, I came across an organization called Preemptive Love that sells handmade shoes to pay for Iraqi children's heart surgeries (through their for-profit company Buy Shoes. Save Lives.).

I was in Radio Production at the time, not paying attention to Prof. Perry, exploring the PLC site. When I read their mission statement I was so, so close to leaving class, running back to the dorm to tell Lindsey about my discovery. Because, ready for this? Best mission statement ever. (See left side of your screen. Or for Facebook readers, look up. Or down. It's hard to say.)

I don't know what I believe about a lot of things, honestly. I don't know if I really believe in once-saved-always-saved theology or what to do about the environment or how involved in politics Christians should be. ... But I know I hate war. I know that Christians are called to love people and not kill them. I know that instead of DESTROYING we should be CREATING. I fell in love with PLC.

After reading more and more about what they do and who they are, I knew that I wanted to intern with them.

--

Don learned that every story has an "inciting incident" that moves the character from just wanting something passively, to fighting to get it. It's where the conflict is introduced. Jack thinks Rose is pretty, but it takes her dangling off the edge of a ship for him to pursue her.

--

A CHARACTER WHO WANTS SOMETHING AND OVERCOMES CONFLICT: My mom does not want me in Iraq. Well, duh. I don't think anyone close to me wants me in Iraq.

Every good story has conflict - this is mine. My friends and mentors tell me one of two things: 1.) If I'm supposed to go to Iraq, Mom will magically be okay with it. 2.) I should probably not go to Iraq unless I know God wants me there.

I believe God is big enough to make Mom change her mind. I also believe God is big enough to tell me in plain language that I'm supposed to go to Iraq (or not).

And that's been my prayer - for either of those. But honestly, nothing's that clear. I will say that I feel peace about the internship, which is odd. I'm never at peace about dishonoring my mom. (Mainly because I've never dishonored my mom before.) I'm never at peace about doing something big and scary.

--

This is where my story pauses. I'm emailing my application in tonight.

God's will is still vague. A feeling of peace is not something to base a huge decision off of, right? Lindsey suggested I fast, so I am. One meal a week. Maybe a little discipline will help me hear him a new way. Maybe. I hope.

Dear friends, I need your prayers. I don't need your advice, though. Ha, I mean this in a respectful way. I've heard all sides of this; I know my options. It's listening time. It's decision-making time.


with love and squalor,
Lauren

on Redemption

I love this city, but I've set and numbered its days

I love this city, enough that I'll set it ablaze

--

Lots of things have died this year. I mean this figuratively, of course, but the pain is no less real.

I've lost good friends. I've attended the funeral of my RELEVANT dreams. I've mourned the loss of crushes. My ambitions were murdered; my pride suffocated.

I was the one who pulled the plug on most of those. I made the decision to take them off life-support, to say my final goodbyes, and lay them in the earth. It was me. It was my decision.

And I say I've seen a lot die this year, but I've seen more die in previous years. Ever since I read that passage in Ezekiel - Son of man, I'm about to take from you the delight of your life—a real blow, I know. But, please, no tears. - I've routinely killed my dreams.

I am the knife-wielding Abraham on Mt. Moriah, but with no angel to stop me.

I am the farmer on the seventh year, letting my fields dry up.

It feels like I spend so much of my life giving things up. Is there anything I can keep?

--

I pray for redemption.

I sat in the Williams' prayer chapel a month ago, asking God to redeem something in my life. And oh, He redeemed it - by setting it on fire.

That is redemption after all, is it not? It's the refinement of gold in fire. It's transforming what's unholy into something holy.

Therefore all that is not beautiful in the beloved, all that comes between and is not of love's kind, must be destroyed. And our God is a consuming fire.

I keep asking for redemption: "Oh Lord, that I may live according to your will." Or, "Make this job/relationship/hobby yours."

And so God does what is asked of Him. He redeems. He puts my love (my ambitions, my crushes, my relationships) into the fire and sees what happens.

Whatever is not in His will - burns up. It falls apart.

I don't mean this is a BEHOLD THE WRATH OF GOD! sense, really. I don't think God sets things on fire for fun. But when I ask him to redeem something, he does it, and it hurts.

I suppose we let God redeem things because we expect something new or polished in return. We "give God our relationships," assuming he'll point us to the love our life. We "give God our finances," assuming big bucks will come our way.

It doesn't always work like that. Sometimes the fire kills. Sometimes our dreams don't play possum, but stay dead on the side of the road.

--

The worship band played "The Old Rugged Cross" in church this morning. I think I sang along sarcastically:

I will cling to the old rugged cross

Till my trophies at last I lay down

Like I've said, I've seen a lot die this year. I've had to give up a lot. It's not about laying my trophies down "at last." (My bitterness is speaking, mind you.) It's more like: God, I've laid down every last one of them. I cling to the cross in fear that you'll take that away too! That's what I picture, anyway. I'm clinging to something for dear life, not because I believe my sacrifices will make my life any better, but because if I don't have anything else to cling to.

Is this the Christian life? Sacrifice after sacrifice, death after death?

God promised me a resurrected life. He promised me that every seed will die before it grows. Where is this growth?

We're in the dead of winter. (Read that again for its irony.)

Bradley Hathaway wrote, "Grace grows in winter, I'm told."

Grace grows in winter when everything else dies. Ugh.

I yearn for Grace. I want God to show His face in these crummy circumstances.

I'm sick of making sacrifices.

I'm sick of seeing my friends make sacrifices.

I'm sick of hope with no follow-through.

More questions than answers - I know. This may be the nature of blogging. Or at least the nature of my blogging.

With love and squalor,

Ezek.

on Faith

For the revelation awaits an appointed time;
it speaks of the end
and will not prove false.
Though it linger, wait for it;
it will certainly come and will not delay.

-Habakkuk 2:3-

--

"Do you think if you ignore my revelation that makes it untrue?" - God

--

I know very little about faith. I know it has to do with belief ("faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see"). I know it has to do with taking God seriously, and not calling yourself a god like Shirley MacLaine in that movie.

I know that "the principal part of faith is patience" and that God doesn't work in my time frame, but His own.

But that's about all I know.

--

Note the question I have at the beginning of the blog: "Do you think if you ignore my revelation that makes it untrue?" This is what started my thoughts on faith.

God and I were hashing it out the other day. We got on the topic of faith, specifically this promise we made back when I was 16 or so. This was my prayer:

"Dear God, I pray that you don't tell me who I'm supposed to marry until it's time for me to get married. Okay, thanks."

I've always been pretty cool with this prayer. Sometimes I regret prayers I've made (i.e.: "dear God I pray that I don't date anyone until I date my husband"), but this one I liked. I have this irrational fear that the moms of the boys that like me - and I don't like in return - tell their sons that I'll come around, that God wants us to get married or something. That kind of disgusts me. Hence why I don't regret this prayer: I refuse to be like one of those moms.

But it came up again, when Jesus and I were hashing it out, and He humbled me. Because what if God wants to tell me who I'm going to marry? (He hasn't yet - THANK GOODNESS - and I hope this is an object lesson, not something He'll actually do.)

But sometimes I think God tells me things that I don't think I should know. Some of those revelations are "lingering," some have been proven true.

But what if I decide not to listen? What if God tells me who I'm going to marry, but I plug my ears with my fingers? Does that make His revelation less-true?

Or, what if God lies to me? What if I ask God if I'm going to work for Zondervan and I hear Him say yes and I'm so sure that's what He wants for me, but I don't get the job.

But what if planning for the Zondervan job gets me a job at Tyndale? What if that lie got me where I needed to be?

Is this a matter of the end justifying the means? I don't know - maybe. Does God work like that? Or can he?

--

I can come to no conclusion. Of the topics I'm planning on discussing (Faith, Forgiveness, Grace and Redemption), this is the vaguest.

But I suppose you can have faith without knowing what it means, right? (Ha, I hope so.)

with love and squalor,

ezekiel

Underestimated

Okay, new plan.

It turns out the blogosphere is a lot smaller than I thought. Remember that scene in Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog when Dr. Horrible comes back after an attempt to use his freeze ray on the mayor during a statue dedication? He's twitching because Captain Hammer threw a car at him before he had a chance to carry out his plan.

Dr. Horrible says (paraphrase), "I guess I underestimated how many people look at this blog."

Well.

I removed my previous blog because from an outsider, it sounds rather arrogant. I imagine Ezekiel talking to his friends, saying, "Oh yeah, God told me that I'm supposed to warn you and the rest of the exiles of their sins and whatnot."

They'd probably reply, "Shut up, Ezekiel. It's not like you're perfect."

So I deleted the blog because I now know how far my blogs have reached. I hope I'm not on any RELEVANT blacklist. Though, I wouldn't be surprised.

New plan: If you want to talk to me about my call to RELEVANT, email me. Or call me. Or take me out to coffee or something.

As for the rest of my RELEVANT blogs? I think I'll keep them up. Again, again, again I say: despite all the wrestling, despite all the frustrations, I love RELEVANT. It's been my friend for too long to abandon.

With love and squalor,

Lauren

Letting the Fields Die [revisited]

Talk about beating a dead horse.

Earlier in the summer I wrote a lot about "letting the fields die" on my dreams, a reference to the Old Testament command to let the fields have a Sabbath rest every 7 years. My "fields dying" referred to my dream of working for RELEVANT magazine.

The dream has been dead since June. I don't want to work for RELEVANT anymore - not because I stopped believing in the magazine's cause (because I still do), but because of internal issues of which I was informed through several sources.

But today I received an interesting email. Kevin from Seattle wrote me, saying that he had done research on RELEVANT in college and discovered the roots to all the questions and issues I have with the magazine. He said he found my blog through Google (no doubt he just googled "RELEVANT" and "blog" and my dear RELE-saturated blog came up), and was intrigued by what I had to say about - all this.

He offered to share his research with me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Here are some questions that have been running through my head all day:

1. Who knew someone in Seattle has read my blog? Blogging, not knowledge, must equal power. This makes me a little wary of what I put in my blogs now. I know that bosses Facebook-stalk future employees, they no doubt blog-stalk too. Will this hurt my chance of getting an internship at RELEVANT?

2. Should I even pursue an internship with RELEVANT? I thought that God was keeping me from a job there, but does he want me to forget about an internship as well? Are my chances already shot? (Hey, I'm not always the most RELE-friendly in these blogs.)

3. Is God just beating a dead horse? This dream is already dead, so why does God keep insisting on bringing the issue up? LORD, it's done; I don't want to work there; I've forgotten about it; stop making me deal with it.

--

Editor's note: I love RELEVANT. I still do. I love its mission, I love its podcast and its staff (meh, former staff). I understand that its not a perfect organization, or that it has called itself a ministry. But it's still an effective medium - that I refuse to deny.

Lauren

forget the plowshare.

I was watching ONE TREE HILL with my sister this afternoon - which is a mistake therein itself - when I finally began understand what really is going on with me.

I mean, with my fields dying.

Recap: I blogged about this earlier in the month, about how God has on three separate occasions told me to let die my dream of working for RELEVANT. But, two of those three times God has revived it. My dream has lived on. But now this third time I think it's finally dead. I mean, really dead.

Will I intern with them still? Who knows. Will I ever get to shake hands with Cameron Strang? Uh, maybe not.

Turns out RELEVANT is not a magical place to work. Turns out they are a business with a profit motive. (I know Prof. Perry would be saying "I told you so.") I guess I just thought that since RELEVANT was kind of like a ministry they should treat it like a ministry. Fail.

Anyway, like I said, I was watching ONE TREE HILL with Sam and in the episode basketball star Nathan Scott had been in an accident of some sort and is now bound to a wheelchair, unable to play the sport. He's bitter throughout the entire episode, drinking way too early in the morning and whatnot. He's basically a whiner. It's kind of annoying. (I really dislike this show.)

But at one point in the episode, he goes over to a bookshelf full of trophies and plaques that he had won as a basketball star and starts pulling everything off in a wild rage, his wife and son scared in the next room.

Wow, I thought to myself, what a drama queen.

Here's this guy in his early twenties who's been in an accident (though, he will be able to walk again) and his concern is not for the well-being of his family, but for his own pride that was shot to the ground.

I'm sorry Nathan Scott that your boyish dreams died.

But then that got me thinking.

My dreams, like Nathan's, are dead.

The life I dreamed for myself at age 17 isn't the life I'm going to have when I'm 25.

It's just not.

The fields died for Nathan,

just like they died for me.

But, of course, this isn't the lesson I learned from this show. Because, as stated before, I already learned that my dreams needed to die - and they have - whether I like it or not. But I have not thrown anything off a bookshelf lately. And I have little desire to do so.

Nathan went into that wild rage not just because his dreams died but because he found his identity in those dreams. And when those dreams died, he felt empty. And worthless. And visionless. And un-human.

That's kind of how I feel right now. I mean, I like having a dream to fight for. I like knowing what I'm going to do in 5 years.

But I have also learned the dangers of finding my identity in my dreams instead of Christ. Maybe that's why I'm not throwing anything. I'm so upset that this dream has died, but I'm not the one that's dead -

Just my dreams.

God, I pray that I can accept this season of my life. I hate not having something like that to hope for, but I pray I can find peace in you and nothing else. Help me grow. Help me find my identity in you alone. Remind me that nothing else matters.

letting the fields die

To heck with brevity.

I know as a journalist I need to learn how to make the most impact with the fewest words, but as a storyteller I refuse to. God has been moving in these past few weeks, and I don't want to cut anything out -- for His sake, if not mine.

The other day, and for at least the third time since I was seventeen, God has told me to let the fields die.

In the Law of Moses, God commands the Israelites to set aside the seventh year as a Sabbath Year in order to let the fields take a break. No pruning or reaping is allowed; land must be left as is. Farmers have been working hard for six years and it's time now for rest -- to "sit down," as Pastor Paul might allude (Heb. 8:1).

And so, like God commanded the Israelites, God wants me to take a Sabbath from personal "field" -- my ambition.

I have wanted to work for RELEVANT Magazine since I was seventeen. My ambition has led me to base a lot of decisions on what I know I need to do to achieve that goal. Sometimes my decisions were insignificant and quirky. (In the summer after eleventh grade, for example, Ashley and I made cakes made to look like each member of the RELEVANT Podcast, including Cara Davis' unborn baby, "Mavis Davis," and tagged the crew on Facebook.) Sometimes they were a little more serious. (I emailed CEO Cameron Strang and told him everything I was doing to prepare myself for the job and followed his advice to the tee.)

The year later I made more drastic decisions like joining the high school newspaper staff, taking a college-level writing course, writing into the RELEVANT Podcast (see episode 4.18.08) and declaring journalism as my major. (After all, Cameron was a journalism major as well.)

This year, of course, I worked even harder. I got a position on my college newspaper staff, took a magazine writing class, emailed Chad from RELEVANT more times than I can count, asked former/current RELEVANT interns questions, applied/received the A&E position for next year's newspaper staff and worked way too hard at keeping my grades up.

But sometimes God tells me to let my fields die.

The first time I remember him doing this was last summer, in August, when Adam Smith moved to New Zealand. I wrote a blog about this, of course, saying how I was devestated that my very favorite member of the RELEVANT Podcast was leaving for good. I'm pretty sure I cried when I found out.

But more than that, for the first time since my dream formed, I began questioning whether or not this was really my calling. Does God really want me to work there? Am I really a good writer? I ended my blog with this:

The questions kept coming. I know that I just need to trust God–there’s no doubt about that. I know what it is to close my eyes and jump, and that’s what I’m going to have to do. I don’t like it, but if I am truly going to call Christ my Savior, I’m going to have to just go–go wherever he says to go.

If it's to RELEVANT, then that's where I'm supposed to be.

If not, then I pray he prepares me for somewhere else.

I let go. I let God take my dreams (my ambitions) just in case they needed revising. God knows that when I love something passionately, I refuse to let go. So every few months he kindly asks me to let the fields die, and I find myself obeying.

Five days after that night, God spoke to me through Haggai. He told me to pick up my plowshare.

I have always equated the Book of Haggai with my life calling; Pastor Tom used the book to teach me that years ago. So when Tom covered the topic again in the "Majoring in the Minors" sermon series last summer, I knew God had something to say. He did. I had always looked at my calling (Ezekiel) and my career (magazine writer) as two separate dreams. God said they're one.

My seven years started over and my fields revived.

January happened, but I will spare you most of the details for time's sake and to protect those involved. I emailed one of my favorite writers, a former writer for RELEVANT, who after one comment I had made told me that perhaps RELEVANT isn't the dreamland workplace I thought it was. I told him that he crushed my dreams, which he did, but in goodwill. God, again, told me to let the fields die.

That was Monday, and by Wednesday God once again revived my calling. It's hard to believe I learned everything I needed to in just two days, but I did. It was Summit Week at school and I learned more spiritual truths in those few days than I had the rest of the semester, sadly.

Wednesday night the topic was on dreams, based off the Book of Daniel:

Big Ideal: Dreams come only with difficulty and delay

Bold Action: Chase your dreams anyway

And the conclusion I came upon:

I'm not supposed to change my dream. Granted, I'm not supposed to bow down and worship it either ... but God place it in my heart for a reason. And I need to fight for it!

My seven years started over and my fields revived.

So now here I am. Two days ago I found out that Chad from RELEVANT no longer works there. Of course I'm anxious to know why, but am in no place to inquire why, so I sit here thinking up horror stories. Chad is who I wanted to be. He used to be a fan of the magazine and the podcast, then he became an intern, then he worked there and practically ran the show when Cameron was on sabbatical. And now?

I began asking those questions again: Is this where I'm supposed to be? What does God want me to do? Should I change my major? Do I really love this? Can I work somewhere else?

The fields are still at rest, and I suppose they will be for a while. Now that God has revealed the reason behind my crises of ambition, I think these periods are going to last longer. At least, this one might.



THE LESSON:

Congratulations for making it this far. I'll try to make this brief because I feel like the blog itself shows what I have learned more than anything.

God does not want us to worship anything but Him. Period. If I have learned anything in the past few years it's that. I have a strong tendency to bow down to whatever intrigues me at the moment, and have spent time serving the RELEVANT god instead of Jesus Christ. Taking a break from my dreams has shown me how far I've fallen from what God wants of me and my ambitions. He wants me to use them for Him, not for myself.

Being vulnerable is okay. Letting things die is how they come back stronger. One of my favorite snippets of the Gospels is Jesus' statement that every seed must first die before it may grow. Dreams work the same way. If I'm willing to let God take the reigns, they I know my dreams will be steered in the right direction.

God knows what's best -- I cannot forget that.

My world may seem like it's falling apart, but it's not.

My dreams may seem to be stalling or falling short, but they're not.

They're resting.

Just for a little bit.





ezekiel.

idolatry.

I wonder if you remember my blog from September when I promised to do everything to the glory of God. I wrote:

I want my college experience–my going-to-class, homework-ing, studying, note-taking–to be my spiritual act of worship.

I decided that just a month into school, promising to work my hardest to make that possible. And you know what? I succeeded. I worked so hard, didn't let myself get lazy. I was an overachiever, ambitious, a great student.

But I also worshiped my GPA.

Here's a lesson in idolatry.



Idolatry is one of those sins that kind of sneaks up on you. It's unintentional, that's for sure, but it's also incredibly stealthy. I don't set out to commit idolatry, it just seems to happen.

This has been one of my more casual sins for some time. I get really excited about certain things - I'm passionate - but it turns deadly after quite some time. It starts to consume me. My dream to work for RELEVANT, for example, has become an idol for my a lot. I just want to work there so bad ... I get so caught up with that, instead of the big picture, and instead of looking to God who will equip me for that job.

I think of Aaron and the golden calf. We learned in BIL101 that the Israelites weren't trying to worship the calf when Aaron formed it out of gold, rather, they were trying to worship God through the golden calf. Calves were used as a pedestal for a god to sit upon, not as a god itself. The Israelites hoped to have a sort of visual aid for worshiping God, not realizing that he cannot be contained to a tiny golden altar.

How often do we do that? We see the good in our jobs or our dreams, our hardwork or successes, but instead of worshiping God for them, we worship the thing itself. We think we're trying to worship God through the calf, but we end up falling to our knees and worshiping the thing created before us.

Do you love me?

When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?"
"Yes, Lord," he said, "you know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Feed my lambs."



I love when Don Miller, in his book Searching for God Knows What, talks about this passage. He reads back farther, though, looking at the entire chapter of John 21:

Afterward Jesus appeared again to his disciples, by the Sea of Tiberias. It happened this way: Simon Peter, Thomas (called Didymus), Nathanael from Cana in Galilee, the sons of Zebedee, and two other disciples were together. "I'm going out to fish," Simon Peter told them, and they said, "We'll go with you." So they went out and got into the boat, but that night they caught nothing. Early in the morning, Jesus stood on the shore, but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus.

He called out to them, "Friends, haven't you any fish?"
"No," they answered.

He said, "Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some." When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish.

Then the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, "It is the Lord!" As soon as Simon Peter heard him say, "It is the Lord," he wrapped his outer garment around him (for he had taken it off) and jumped into the water. The other disciples followed in the boat, towing the net full of fish, for they were not far from shore, about a hundred yards. When they landed, they saw a fire of burning coals there with fish on it, and some bread.

Jesus said to them, "Bring some of the fish you have just caught."

Simon Peter climbed aboard and dragged the net ashore. It was full of large fish, 153, but even with so many the net was not torn. Jesus said to them, "Come and have breakfast." None of the disciples dared ask him, "Who are you?" They knew it was the Lord. Jesus came, took the bread and gave it to them, and did the same with the fish. This was now the third time Jesus appeared to his disciples after he was raised from the dead.

Did you know that the writer mentions the word "fish" 8 times in 14 verses? That sounds like a pretty strange observation to make ... especially since the chapter is about fishing. But maybe it had a purpose. And why did the writer mention the exact number of fish the men caught (153)? John may have just been recording facts but, as all journalists know, you don't just throw in random data without having a purpose.

So this whole fish business led author Don Miller to conclude that maybe in verse 15 (as quoted at the top of the blog) Jesus is referring to the fish: Simon ... do you truly love me more than these [fish]?

And that always gets me thinking.

Lauren, daughter of Natalie, do you love me more than your iPod?

... more than your hot fudge sundae poptarts?

... more than comfort? suburbia? your dreams?

... more than writing?

And I answer the way that Simon Peter does: Yes, Lord, you know that I love you as a brother [philo].

We know that there are different translations for love in the Greek: philo (brotherly), eros (romantic) and agape (unconditional). And when Peter answers that first time, he tells Jesus what I tell him: I love you like muh bro'!

But unconditionally?

The question I've been asking myself most recently is -- and I'm being transparent with you -- would I be okay with being single the rest of my life? When I see all the engaged couples at IWU, it's really, really hard to ask myself that question. Because I know the answer. And I'm ashamed of it.

Would I love God if I had to stop writing? If I never worked for RELEVANT? If he called me to get out of my comfort zone?

In an ideal world, yes, I'd love God agape. I'd die to myself every day; I'd forget about my own dreams and look to Him; I'd be happy being single; I'd always serve the people around me. But that's in an ideal world, and I don't live in an ideal world.

It's really hard to forget about your own wants sometimes.



It's Lenten season. Welcome.

It's a time for sacrifice and remembering what Christ did for us because of our self-love.

Let's take time to wrestle with this, to see what God wants us to give up (like sin) or pick up (like love).



with love, ezekiel.

empathy

It all started yesterday when I listened to the RELEVANT Podcast. I wasn't going to yet (I like saving it for a long drive or while cleaning my house), but my ole buddy Bryce told me that it was epic. So I did.

Well, I started listening, but when I heard that what was epic was also sad, I skipped to 46:05 minutes into it. To hear that Adam Smith is moving away. To New Zealand. (Who else can make the whaleshark voice like him?)

Now, flashback to May 2007 when Ash and I made RELEcakes for the crew... and I took a picture with my "favorite podcaster," Cameron. So why, do you ask, is Adam's departure so difficult for me? Especially since I've said goodbye to Tyler, Cara, and Jesse in years passed?

Empathy.

I don't empathize very well. In fact, I can muster up just enough sympathy for people to keep my distance while still looking pretty compassionate. But when it comes to empathy--the kind that Jesus shows us (Heb. 4:15)--I suck. I mean, I really do. I relate to Dustin Kensrue (ha, here I go) when he said,

“My personality is somewhat inward looking, and, therefore, I am somewhat selfish and self-centered by nature. I am not naturally a very empathetic person. I would have to say that my burden for broken people comes from the influence of Christ in my life, showing me how to love people like He loved them. I have a long way to go.” RELEVANT Magazine (I don't feel like looking up the issue... but Thrice is on the cover.)

So despite my usual tendency to NOT empathize, I was overwhelmed with concern for Adam's well-being. Again, kind of weird because I neither empathize NOR know Adam.

So, that night I couldn't sleep. This could partly have been due to my Grasshopper Shizzle (blended coffee drink, very tasty) I had 2 hours previous or the bouts of spiritual warfare I had been dealing with. But instead of settling on either explanation, I decided to lay there in bed and grapple.

I woke up early. My mind just kept pouring through random thoughts. What could I have possibly been thinking about for hours and hours on end? I have no idea. It was sickening.

So, this time (though in previous days I would have told myself to pray against the spiritual forces keeping me from sleep--as John Eldredge would suggest I do) I just got up and went on with my day. I told myself to "heed not thy feeling" and keep muhself busy. No thinking about random crap that'll stress me out or sadden me--whatever.

By mid-afternoon I was still feeling the same crappy way I felt the previous afternoon when I realized that Adam was heading adios. Uhm, I don't think that's empathy anymore.

I had a sort of "godly sorrow" there for a while, till Satan took advantage of it and kept those soul-heavy feelings remain.

"Unless the LORD builds the house,
its builders labor in vain. " Ps 127:1a

But, like all good and hardy DESPAIR, I started asking God some questions. Questions, I learned today, are good. We just might not get answers--deal with it.

And I realized as I was praying my questions, that they really all flowed from last afternoon. I mean, Adam Smith is directly linked to RELEVANT (hullo, podcaster/managing editor) which is directly linked to my future. Or, so I always thought.

I've been gung-ho about working for RELEVANT for over a year now and I have never seemed to question that I may not be good enough or passionate enough or whatever-enough to work there. Why have I never questioned that?

I think I have always just trusted that Thomas Friedman quote that said that the PASSIONATE people will get the jobs over the geeks. I'm passionate, I know that. But now I wonder if I'm passionate enough.

And, what if that doesn't matter?

And, what if I don't even like working there? I'll have spent years pursuing a dream that fails me.

And, what about college? What if my professors don't prepare me? What if they don't like me?

And, what if I never find true love?

And, (the scariest of all) What if God changes his mind about me? What if he doesn't want me to be Ezekiel or to change the world or to write and write and write or to be passionate or to be whoever I think I am supposed to be....

The questions kept coming. I know that I just need to trust God--there's no doubt about that. I know what it is to close my eyes and jump, and that's what I'm going to have to do. I don't like it, but if I am truly going to call Christ my Savior, I'm going to have to just go--go wherever he says to go.

If it's to RELEVANT, than that's where I'm supposed to be.

If not, then I pray he prepares me for somewhere else.





Ezek.



--

REASON NUMBER SEVEN WHY THRICE IS THE BEST BAND EVER

Welp, my friend Austin always told me how he listened to Coldplay when he was depressed. Understandable. When I'm depressed I listen to the smooth sounds of The Alchemy Index (Vol. 2).

I remember after the overnight at the church for New Years, after one crappy night trying to sleep in a 20 below zero room, and having to wake up at 6 to go home because a snow storm was brewing, I listened to that disk. I listened to those 6 tracks over and over again until I felt good inside.

Then I went home and slept.

Welcome back to the blogosphere

It's funny how sermons can really hit home. You know, it happens when you're just sitting there as a humble member of the laity, listening to Pastor Whomever preach about something that fits your life perfectly.

That's what it was like this morning when Tom preached about our need to blog.

So, it wasn't exactly like that. He did encourage bloggers to do their thing and adults to join Facebook (curse you, Tom!). Anyway, it was all about our need to "reach our generation for Christ." (As if I haven't heard THAT phrase enough.)

So here's the scoop: That's What I Want to Do. Forever, really.If you haven't asked me the question yet, or haven't heard me speak profusely about it, I want to work for (ye old) RELEVANT Magazine when I grow up. And RELEVANT's purpose is...?

"Relevant Media Group is a multimedia company whose purpose is to impact culture and show that a relationship with God is relevant and essential to a fulfilled life." [taken from their website]

And so there. I have mastered it. Thanks for the sermon, Tom, but that's one thing I don't have to work at.

Dun Dun Dun... or is it?

I mean, honestly. Is it THAT hard to get God's word out nowadays? I was thinking this in Sunday school as well. Ruthanne was talking about how sometimes people just believe whatever their pastors say without testing it against Scripture. For some reason people are just not reading the Bible. (Who knew?)

So, what, is it that hard to read the Bible? (I'm asking myself that as well. Someone's been slacking with her attempt to read the entire Bible in order. Ugh, I have yet to finish Deuteronomy.)

We got about fifteen different translations out there, there's bound to be one you appreciate: NIV, tNIV, The Message, NASB, KJV, NKJV, NCV, NIrV.

And what about iPod Bibles? If you're too just too tired to pull out God's Word, you can listen to it (while playing the microscopic Solitaire) on your iPod.

Or, how about THE EXPERIENCE: the new-fangled audio Bible with famous people doing the voices of characters. I hear Nick Cannon plays an EXCELLENT Adam.

Bookstores have aisles full of "Christian Living" books and whatnot. There's always a book out there on Christianity (lots on the NYT Best Seller List too!).

A lot of times Christian artists "cross-over" to play their music to secular audiences. Relient K, for instance. Or think Emery and Anberlin... their on Christian labels, but their huge on the secular market as well.

How often is Jesus "in the news"? Very often.

So what? Are we doing the job of Isaiah, being messangers of God's word to His people? Isn't that why we have iPod Bibles and church podcasts and Christian radio stations and tee shirts with the icthus fishy on it?

Or are we just trying to make Jesus relevant to our culture by putting his name on a bunch of electronic do-dads? Is the Good News being preached or is it being disguised by what's hip and cool.

People in the ministry (okay, maybe just youth ministry. No offense Tom) always thinking of ways to "ENGAGE OUR CULTURE." We try so hard to come up with the right events to get kids into the church (i.e. "Godstock," our own version of woodstock minus the drugs and sex). If we bribe them with a concert, maybe they'll stick around long enough to hear the YP's message at the end. Maybe.

And so I'll challenge myself a bit: how is RELEVANT any different?

Is there a way around this? Can we spread the word of God like Isaiah without using pop-culture and new technologies?

What about the way we live? Can our separation from culture woo people to God?





More thoughts later.

Lauren Deidra {Isaiah 2:1-5}

"I often wonder if God recognizes His own son the way we've dressed him up, or is it dressed him down? He's a regular peppermint stick now, all sugar-crystal and saccharine when he isn't making veiled references to certain commercial products that every worshiper absolutely needs." Fahrenheit 451, 81

and character, hope.

So in contrast to my last two blogs, I'd say this one is a lot more chipper. (You'll soon understand why.)

I think I'm nearing the end of a "trough" and entering what I, or Uncle Screwtape, calls a "peak" or at least a landing of some sort.

It's all about this one--to me, ambiguous--word HOPE.

It all started a long time ago. I have always been hopeful--I guess that's my nature. Not that I'm always optimistic, but by the end of the day I know that things will be okay. Why? Because I'd dream of something better.

And that's where my questions are aroused.

Is it okay to just yearn for something better? What about the here and now? C.S. Lewis said in his book The Screwtape Letters this: "[God] does not want men to give the future their hearts, to place their treasure in it." But what if the current state of affairs sucks?

And so I've been grappling with that concept, putting it to test against the Bible verses I know:

"And hope does not disappoint us for God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit who He has given us." Romans 5:5

"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." Philippians 4

Not to mention the several times the Bible says things like "put your hope in the Lord," "renew your hope," or "I will hope in your name."

What does it mean exactly to "hope in the Lord"? Is it the same thing as hoping for something the Lord will bless you with?

Like I said, my mind was grappling with all of this. And on Monday night I read something that further added to my skepticism of it all. It was in the form of a quote by my most respected clergyman who ever lived, George MacDonald.

"Lest it should be possible that any unchildlike soul might, in arrogance and ignorance, think to stand upon his rights against God, and demand of Him this or that after the will of the flesh, I will lay before such a possible one some of the things to which he has a right.... He has a claim to be compelled to repent; to be hedged in on every side: to have one after another of the strong, sharp-toothed sheep dogs of the Great Shepherd sent after him, to thwart him in any desire, foil him in any plan, frustrated him of any hope, until he come to see at length that nothing will ease his pain, nothing make life a thing worth having, but the presence of the living God within him."

And I don't believe I understand that fully. But I do get the last line (which is why I'm so distressed).

Last night I was going back and forth about this. Is hoping for something good to happen bad or good? Or is it like desiring to be loved, as MacDonald says, which is neither noble nor wrong. So I did what I thought any good Christian should do... I prayed. This is what I discovered, rather, what God dis-covered for me:

I was never upset because I thought that my dreams (my hopes, ambitions, etc.) would never become reality. Instead, I was upset because they weren't reality right now.

"Hope isn't about right now."

Hope doesn't have a timeframe. Hope needs to rely on the element of "maybe." Not when. Not now. Not soon.

It's not a matter of giving up on hope itself, it's just the attachment and the demands of it. Like all things, if you aren't willing to give it up, you aren't fit to have it. But what I had never learned before was that if I assumed hope would be in my control, I was wrong.

God gives us hope to keep us going, to not give up, and to finish the race. BUT if we say "Okay God, my dream is to be married by age 23 and have a career and a nice apartment" we are foolish. It's no longer a matter of hope that God has things under control and those things might happen, but it has become a matter of me. Yes, even hope should be about God and not us. Hope has a lot to do with trust, I've realized. To what extend, I do not yet know.

So don't give up on hope. Hope=good. But don't turn hope into something ungodly--a desire for something God doesn't want you to waste your time with. Trust Him. He has your interests in mind.

ezek.

I have not been abandoned, no I have not been.

Carroll High School has its ups and downs, but I have to say I appreciate block day Wednesday [this semester anyway].

I had ER, Homeroom, Activity Period, and Study Hall to read. I had some homework to do, but I got to read an entire book today. Yes, and it was by John Eldredge: Dare to Desire.

We'll just throw some quotes out and I'll respond AP English style.

"Don't be fooled by the apparent innocence of the object you've chosen to fill your heart's desire. We'll make an idol out of any good thing." [page 58]

And so I have.

I was concerned when I first picked up this book [at 10:00 this morning lol]. I thought it'd be about following your heart, pursuing your dreams to the point of utter devotion. As if following your heart was always equivelant to following Christ. Not always. There are still things called idols.

To follow up, "Addiction may seem like too strong a term to some of you. The woman who is serving so faithfully at church....your hobbies can be a nuisance sometimes, but to call any of this an addiction seems to stretch the word a bit too far. I have one simple response: give it up." [pages 62-63]

And for that quote I am convinced God wanted me to read this book. I needed to let go. Not because all my desires are bad, but because they were in control. Now I'm dream-free [like I said] or at least not tied down to anything. Right now anyway, I don't know where God's leading me... but I'll trust Him!

"God must take the heaven we create or it will become our hell." [page 62]

And this is why I'm giving it to God. I don't know what's best for me. I pray amiss. It's up to God.

And so here I am. Again, sounds awfully weird to say I'm hope-less and dream-less. Because I am full of HOPE [godly hope!] and though I have nothing to think about before I drift into sweet sweet sleep, I get by. Somewhere in my heart I know God's planning something for me.... I just have to wait to see what that is.

And so we do no lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us a glory that far outweighs them all! [paraphrase, II Corinthians 3:?]

oh no You never let go,

Lauren

wake me when it's springtime in heaven

"If you don't go all the way with me, through thick and thin, you don't deserve me. If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me." Matthew 10:38f

That very verse implies you know who's you know who. Or, well, okay. That verse holds a lot of weight in my life, not just spiritually, but emotionally.

And that's what I want to do I guess. Like, everyone says they're obeying that verse... then once they actually DO obey it, they know they haven't been. Make sense?

Finally I'm letting go. Finally I'm dreamless--an empty vessel. God, move me. Make me someone special.

I have no plans, no theories, no ambitions, no plan B or C, no goals, no ulterior motive, no nothing. Double negative, no NOTHING.

Which is good. Ha, okay, it may look bad from your perspective. I need goals. I need vision. Blahdy blah blah.

I have a direction I'm heading, but I have no commitment to it. I have things I'd like to do, but nothing major. God, I'm an empty vessel, I ask that you fill me.

Please.

pulling the plug.

So I'm no longer his friend on Facebook. Ha, I felt like I was pulling the plug on a dying relative. What a mental image, putting to death my dreams. Or like on Titanic, it's like I let go of Jack and watched him sink to the bottom.

It's all not a very pretty picture.

But it was about time, wasn't it?

Now that I'm crushless and visonless... I have time to really see things. For one, I see opportunities. I have no money and I got a websiting potential. That's a good opportunity (and I jumped at it).

I'm noticing the kinds of people the churchians are. Should I be worried? Is there really a focus on the spiritual? I have one year to influence 'em. I am Ezekiel, wouldn't he do more? Wouldn't he make more of an effort to keep these guys accountable?

I don't really know yet. I don't know where God is taking me. But I trust Him.

God's always found time to teach me about trust. I remember one time He really questioned me on my reliance in Him. He asked me what it meant to trust, and all I came up with was that if I jumped off a cliff, He'd rescue me.

But can I trust Him with stuff like this? My dreams? My ambitions?

God, I want to. I really truly do.

And that's what I'm going to figure out.

Bring it on, Life.

I'm ready.

In Him. With Love,

Lauren Deidra

my heart or the hatchet.

I hate growing up.

Ashley said that to me today and I think I have to agree. I want to be a 12 year old again. Remember 12-year-old crushes? Remember how happy we were when they just smiled our way. Or when it didnt matter if the guy was actually a good guy or not--it wasn't like it was going anywhere.

I so desire to be that kid again. But I'm not. I have to face the complexities of being a young adult. Bleh.

I have decided to throw in the towel on my longest crush ever (one year, 9 months to this very day). It's not getting me anywhere. I don't know how much its hindering me, we'll find that out soon enough, but it's not drawing me any closer to the Father. And for that, I've gotta just let go.

And now I don't really know where to go. I have obeyed God's calling thus far. I've made the prayer group like He insisted. I'm doing my best to set the example (okay, maybe not my BEST). I'm writing (the one thing God tells me to do whenever I feel like I'm not doing anything...).

So I guess I need a new plan. A new vision, if you will. [A new dream]

I wish there was stability here, but there isn't. I guess that's God's little plan for me itself. I love order, He deprives me of it [all for the good of the cause!]. No but really, it's good training for me.

I guess I'm just saying that I want to trust God. I want Him to decide what to do with my life, my time, my heart. But it's hard because right now I have nothing to feed off of. It's like an clean slate--I have no idea where God is taking me in this part of my life. I guess it's time to find a new triangle [if only you knew...]

I'll end with a closing verse(s).

Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. [romans 5:5, NKJV]

And hope will never let us down.... [romans 5:5a, NIrV]

...we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit! [romans 5:5b, The Message]

Such hope never disappoints or deludes or shames us, for God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us. [romans 5:5, the amplified bible]

with hope. or such like it,

Lauren

And what does the future have in store?

Welcome future.

I decided to say goodbye to Myspace and Facebook blogs all together. I would just end up doing what I always do... livejournal to xanga to myspace to facebook. I need to end the cycle now. Of course, this will be my last new blog. I know, I know. That's a pretty big thing to say seeing that I am just seventeen. I have at least five years until I'm married[apparently I know when cupid will make his runs to Green Ash Court] and let's pray another 10 until little David Telemachus is born. Oh gosh.

Nonetheless, I want this to be my last blog. How cool would it be to see my life progression all on one blog? Or at least I'll have something to laugh at down the road.

This is has been the third day of my senior year of high school. It's kind of a cool feeling. I always thought seniors were these gods that were just cool by nature. When I was in seventh or eighth grade I read The Ishbane Conspiracy [by Randy Alcorn] which is about seniors, and now I could be them. Well, you know what I mean. Finding a prospective college. Taking my friend to get an abortion.... what? [Just read the book.]

It's like I'm about to enter this whole new world [don't sing..] of adulthood. I have an internship [NECC], a career [meatloafdesign.com] and a somewhat stable outlook on life [because of muh savior]. Now all I gotta do is make something of it all. I gotta write. I gotta design. I gotta pray like nobody's business.

Cuz I'll be in college in a year.

GUULLPPP.

In Him. With Love,

Lauren Deidra