my heart or the hatchet.

I hate growing up.

Ashley said that to me today and I think I have to agree. I want to be a 12 year old again. Remember 12-year-old crushes? Remember how happy we were when they just smiled our way. Or when it didnt matter if the guy was actually a good guy or not--it wasn't like it was going anywhere.

I so desire to be that kid again. But I'm not. I have to face the complexities of being a young adult. Bleh.

I have decided to throw in the towel on my longest crush ever (one year, 9 months to this very day). It's not getting me anywhere. I don't know how much its hindering me, we'll find that out soon enough, but it's not drawing me any closer to the Father. And for that, I've gotta just let go.

And now I don't really know where to go. I have obeyed God's calling thus far. I've made the prayer group like He insisted. I'm doing my best to set the example (okay, maybe not my BEST). I'm writing (the one thing God tells me to do whenever I feel like I'm not doing anything...).

So I guess I need a new plan. A new vision, if you will. [A new dream]

I wish there was stability here, but there isn't. I guess that's God's little plan for me itself. I love order, He deprives me of it [all for the good of the cause!]. No but really, it's good training for me.

I guess I'm just saying that I want to trust God. I want Him to decide what to do with my life, my time, my heart. But it's hard because right now I have nothing to feed off of. It's like an clean slate--I have no idea where God is taking me in this part of my life. I guess it's time to find a new triangle [if only you knew...]

I'll end with a closing verse(s).

Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. [romans 5:5, NKJV]

And hope will never let us down.... [romans 5:5a, NIrV]

...we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit! [romans 5:5b, The Message]

Such hope never disappoints or deludes or shames us, for God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us. [romans 5:5, the amplified bible]

with hope. or such like it,

Lauren