Broken-down Poetry: Another one of those days.


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Friday, November 23, 2007

Another one of those days.

[[Disclaimer: If you have anything to do, don't read this blog. I just wrote what I felt and sometimes what I feel is nonsense. But if you want to anyway, feel free.]]

Well, how do I begin?

My car... augh, someone backed into it... now it has a huge dent. (Yuck) Today has just been one of those days--not horrible (I mean, the night's still young n' all) but not exceptionally great. I just feel blah.

I feel like I have so many feelings inside of me that I haven't really taken care of. Instead I have just suppressed them (they're still inside of me) and I don't really know what I'm going to do when they're unleashed.

Two and a half months ago I ended a crush on a guy. But how do you just end a crush without the feelings returning? I read something in Annie Dillard's Pilgrim at Tinker Creek that reminded me of this feeling in some way:

"...[A]s you look at a still-beautiful face belonging to a person who was once your lover in another country years ago: with fond nostalgia, and recognition, but not real feeling save a secret astonishment that you are strangers." [80]

And maybe this feeling isn't describing that "ex-crush" but a certain ex-boyfriend whose heart I mistreated. We are strangers. I guess that the "just friends" philosophy isn't much of reality. Oh, I wish it were.

My heart aches. There are so many guys that I am better off befriending than dating. I regret dating Austin for that, uh, week and a half, just because it put a rift in our relationship. I talked to Austin like I had talked to no one before. Who can hold conversations for six hours and twenty minutes without getting bored?

I'm a lucky girl. I have great guys in my life (my brothers!) and an awesome best friend. I just wish that I didn't take people for granted. That I just respected them and accepted them as who they were; that I loved them the agape way.

I guess my biggest fear right now is awakening feelings of hostility that I felt a year ago (toward my best friends) or unhealthy crushing over an unattainable guy... things that I thought by faith I had overcome. But have I? Or did I use temporary will-power?

Was it all for nothing?

I fear I'm going to wake up mad at my best friend for hating "him" or let myself crush over apple (oh geez, I know). I fear that what I thought was overcome through my relationship with God was just... covered with a bandaid.

The wound isn't going to heal without exposing it.

So here I am. I'm not really that bad. I'm just pensive. Just, really pensive.

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