Broken-down Poetry: September 2007


Related Posts with Thumbnails

Sunday, September 23, 2007

The Law of Undulation

I have this pretty pink frame above my desk in my room. Inside of it, in big pink lettering, a verse from the Message Bible reads:

"Distress that drives us to God does that. It turns us around. It gets us back in the way of salvation. We never regret that kind of pain. But those who let distress drive them away from God are full of regrets and end up on a deathbed of regrets." [I Corinthians 7:10]

Usually after I have a Bench Moment [when I meet with God and He reveals something to me] I have a spiritual high and am on a so-called "mountain." Life is good. But not so this time.

I guess this period of my life is marked with Change, so that must mean that because of change, there's going to be what they call a valley. Welcome Mr. Valley.
Things will get better this I promise you

I know you won't feel this way forever

Things will get better this I promise you

And I know loneliness won't last forever

And so I'm taken back to this concept illustrated by CS Lewis in The Screwtape Letters. "The law of Undulation," Uncle Screwtape calls it. It's this picture of troughs and peaks, ups and downs, valleys and mountains. In other words, sometimes bad times happen and you just feel dry. And I feel dry. And there's nothing wrong with that.

I'm going to put a big portion of that letter in this blog because I have no way to describe my feelings BUT through this. Through the conversation of two demons I can learn a thing or two about myself, ironic, huh?

But I wanted to tell you why I tagged you all in this blog, because as you can see, I rarely tag people in notes. And when I do it's because I know it's interesting or funny. But this one is from my heart. And though the majority of it is written by people NOT me, it is how I feel. Take what you can.
My dear Wormwood,

So you 'have great hopes that the patient's religious phase is dying away', have you? I always though the Training College had gone to pieces since they put old Slubgob at the head of it, and now I am sure. Has no one ever told you about the law of Undulation?

Humans are amphibians--half spirit and half animal.... As spirits they belong to the eternal world, but as animals they inhabit time... Their nearest approach to constancy, therefore, is undulation--the repeated return to a level from which they repeatedly fall back, a series of troughs and peaks. If you had watched your patient carefully you would have seen this undulation in every department of his life--his interest in his work, his affection for his friends, his physical appetites, all go up and down. As long as he lives on earth periods of emotional and bodily richness and lieveliness will alternate with periods of numbness and poverty. The dryness and dullness through which your patient is now going are not, as you fondly suppose, your workmanship; they are merely a natural phenomenon which will do us no good unless you make a good use of it.

To decide the best use of it is, you must ask what use the Enemy wants to make of it, and then do the opposite. Now it amy surprise you to learn that in His efforsts to get permanent possession of a soul, He relies on the troughs even more than on the peaks; some of His special favourites have gone through longer and deeper troughs that anyone else.... But the obedience which the Enemy demands of men is quite a different thing. One must face the fact that all the talk about His love for men, and His service being perfect freedom, is not (as one would gladly believe) mere propaganda, but an appalling truth. He really does want to fill the universe with a lot of loathsome little replicas of Himself--creatures whose life, on its miniature scale, will be qualitatively like His own, not beause He had absorbed them but because their wills freely conform to His. We want cattle who can finally become food; He wants servants who can finally become sons. We want to suck in, He wants to give out. We are empty and would be filled; He is full and flows over. Our war aim is a world in which Our Father Below has drawn all other beings into himsef: the Enemy wants a world full of beings united to Him but still distinct.

And what is where troughs come in. You must have often wondered why the Enemy does not make more use of His power to be sensivly present to human souls in any degree He chooses and at any moment. But you now see that the Irresistible and the Indisputable are the two weapons which the very nature of His scheme forbids Him to use. Merely to override a human will... would be for Him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo. For His ignoble idea is to eat the cake and have it; the creatures are to be one with Him, but yet themselves; merely to cancel them, or assimilate them, will not serve. He is prepared to do a little overriding at the beginning. He will set them off with communication of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over tempation. But He never allows this state of affairs to last long. Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs--to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best. We can drag our patients along by continual tempting, because we design them only for the table, and the more their will is interfered with the better. He cannot "tempt" to virtue as we do to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take aways His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.

Your affectionate uncle


Thursday, September 20, 2007


Well, I got suckered into babysitting Noah and Emily tonight [Boo!] while my sister and her husband are at the Bluffton street fair. But I mean, it's not awful. I have a Starbucks frappuccino with me and hours of Thomas the Tank Engine on both VHS and DVD. Plus, uh, my econ homework.

I really should be dong that homework right now but I can't focus. I don't care about econ anyway... as long as I pass the class. [Such a lie. I want a good grade in that class... I just don't want to work for it!]

Harold is my favorite on this show... on Thomas, I mean. Harold is the helicopter. He's the only one without creepy moving eyes. And he's not limited to the track the whole time. Heck, he's not even limited to the island of Sodor! Geesh, I wish I lived on Sodor. Let's think about it though, no really, think.

The island is first of all pretty. When there's that nice panorama shot with the trees, the setting sun, and the choo-chooing of Thomas and his buddies. Hullo, it's a lovely little island.

Besides that, how many wars happen on Sodor? None. Who would it be against? Sir Toppumhat vs. the victor? There are like three people who live there.

And finally, to go to a place where the trains talk to you is just convenient:

"Hey Thomas, take me to the mall!"

"Okay Lauren! I'll be sure to leave a boxcar empty for all your new clothes!"

"Thanks Thomas!"

Wow, see. It'd be freaking cool.

[And yes, I know that's horrible support for my Sodor theory. But right now it's keeping me busy... Especially since Noah's just sitting in his little chair and cooing. Not a lot of action goin' on here. Hmm]

yo! Lauren

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

delaying gratification

So God's teaching me what that means: to delay gratification. Because, as most people are, I'd rather have things handed to me without any struggle and without any time lost. And when that's not reality, I get ticked.

I mean, it's not like I desire bad things to be gratified. Like, the Bible is filled with verses about not gratifying your SINFUL desires. Oh, it's none of that. I just want things my way. And when they don't work out the way I'd like, in MY time frame, I get upset.

It's a matter of patience more than anything else. If I ever just looked at things in a broader perspective, realizing that my time frame is insignificant, I'd see that it really IS okay that things aren't "working out as I had planned" because God knows what He's doing. I can hold out just a little longer.... and expect that God is working for my good.

And so, I will delay gratification as long as I can.



Thursday, September 13, 2007


Today was the first day I've felt overwhelmed this school year. Luckily, though I had about 5 writing assignments this week, I got all my English done BEFORE tomorrow's due date. But as for newspaper... I'm sorry but it's really hard to write about sushi!

And so now, though I have econ to read, I'm going to just rest. Rest and bask in the peace that comes from God. <3

Even more, I'm going to bask and listen to Dustin Kensrue while I take a nice long bubble bath. [aaahhh...] And then when all of that is finished and I have revised my article one more time (or add a bunch of words b/c its still a good 200 words short!) I will do my econ... and pray that I understand it. [ha, what an awful quiz today, am I right?]


Wednesday, September 12, 2007

I'd put all my money on you...

And so this week continues.

For once, only the second time this year, I've been able to go to the library in study hall. Like I said, only ONCE this year because of those sophomores and juniors who go just to talk. (Not that I wasn't one of them last year). But a girl could use a computer break every once and a while. [Like right now.]

I have so much due Friday but no incentive to work. AP Essay, OPTIC write-up, Newspaper article about sushi... oh where does it end? Sure, that's just about all my homework for this week (even now in study hall I have so very little to do) but I have absolutely no desire to do any of it. I'm sick of writing (rambling's way more fun!)

I kind of wish I had a good (not previously read) book to read. I'm rereading Brave New World and The Art of Rejection by Hayley DiMarco but there's not much keeping my attention. Bleh. Or I could get This Present Darkness from the library, again, the third time for me. The book just makes me wish I could writer better than I currently do, yet I hate the unnecessary details. Okay, so it's a really dirty jailhouse--I get the picture, Frank!

As for interning... I hope I do something exciting today. Or, to my preference, Tom won't have anything for me to do so I can go on Facebook the whole time.

I suppose I really should start working on some homework. At least start researching sushi. Okay what do I already know... raw fish, Japanese, smelly, cold, uhhh... 'guess that's it. I better start researching.

Until next time. [Wow, what an overused outro]


Monday, September 10, 2007

a stone or bread?

"And there is a communion with God that asks for nothing, yet asks for everything..... He who seeks the Father more than anything He can give, is likely to have what he asks, for he is not likely to ask amiss." [George MacDonald]

I wondered yesterday if it is better to ASK AMISS or to IGNORE what we really want and pray generalized prayers: Dear God, bless me. Dear God, I pray something good happens today.

Because on one hand, the "hand" most people would agree with, it isn't right to ask for wealth or happiness. We should be ready to face the odds! Get hurt! Suffer for Christ!

And that's true, is it not?

God doesn't give us a perfect little world because He doesn't want us to become a) selfish b) greedy or c) selfish again. So we DO suffer, we DO have to give up stuff every once in a while.

And to pray for something like a car is foolish. It's got to be foolish: God, give me a Porsche. God, I want a convertible VW. I want that funhouse car they made on Monster Garage last week.

But when we pray "Dear God, make me happy" aren't we hinting that we want that car?

We're trying to lie to ourselves: God, I want to be happy. We don't get a car and we're sad. We mend a broken relationship. We find $20 in a pair of jeans. It's pizza day at lunch. But we don't SEE those things because they aren't a car. God, why didn't you give me a car?

You have not because you ask not.

But will God give you that car you want? Probably not. It's not really necessary is it? You have your little Dodge Neon. It'll get you to school and back.

But by praying that prayer DESPITE its obvious outcome, we're better off. We are being true to God. Our prayer should be "IF IT IS YOUR WILL can I please get a new car?" not simply "MAKE ME HAPPY."

God wants us to realize what He's doing in our life. He wants US to make a CONSCIOUS effort to see what's going on in His.

So pray. Not just half hearted "bless me"s, but true from the heart pleads. Through prayer and petition with thanksgiving.


Thursday, September 6, 2007

the good Lord smiled, and looked the other way.

And so we are here again. Guess what, folks, it's time for a new triangle.

For those of you not too sure what I'm talking about, I'll explain: God teaches me things through triangles. WHY? Well, for one, I have a tendancy to draw triangles. Secondly, triangles have 3 corners--father, son, holy spirit. You know the drill

So I have reached my 5th triangle. I'm psyched. I love it when I enter a new "season" of life. Moreover, I'm excited that God tells me when it's time for one. So here we are new Season of life, how do you do?
TRIANGLE 1: The Slice of Pizza. <--Summer 2005

The summer after 6th grade I started actually making my faith personal. Yeah, it was far from a mature faith, or even a CHRISTIAN faith [so many questions, so many things I otherwised relied on] but through that period I grew so close to God.

My faith was about proving myself. I memorized verses, I prayed and prayed and prayed. I didn't know what it was to be a Christian so I made it up. I was a moral little thing.

The pizza represents Ashley and my idea of this "pizza part-ay in heaven". We're planning a huge blowout when we get There. BarlowGirl's invited. And Big Daddy Weave.

TRIANGE 2: The Pine Tree. Summer 2005-December 2005

The pine tree meant wilderness. And what's more accurate about the wilderness than its romanticism? Think The Last of the Mohicans. Intimate. Secluded.

This year [summer after my freshmen year into my sophomore year] I had my biggest crush and longest crush up until that point. I thought this guy was it. I had never liked a guy like this one. BUT through all this God showed me how to fall passionately in love with Him, through Jesus Christ. I learned what it was like to be intimate with Christ. It was this year that I first learned how to really listen to God.
TRIANGLE 3: The Mountain. December 2005-December 2006

This was probably my least favorite triangle. The mountain represents those cool times with God. When life is easy, talking to God is easy, and show tunes flow through your head constantly. But there are things called valleys.

This year [wow, all these last close to a whole year] I had probably the most valleys I had ever had. Ashley and I had our cahoots. Amanda and I had. I was single. When I dated, we fought. School sucked like noneother [think: the beginning of junior year--tough stuff!]. It was when I learned what a "bench moment" was: when there are times it is just EASY to talk to God... and then sometimes you just have to get off the bench (which is no fun).

I experienced valleys and they helped me appreciate the Mountain.

TRIANGLE 4: Delta. December 2006-September 2007

In Chemistry Delta [a little triangle] goes above the arrow in a chemical equation to show that the products were heated. There is this law in Chemistry... you know a chemical reaction takes place if light gives heat. [a flame, glowing neon, etc] Strangely enough there is a song called Light Gives Heat by jars of clay. And even stranger, there's a verse in the bible about light. It says to be a LIGHT UNTO THE WORLD.

And that's what this triangle means.

This season I learned how to live my faith out like never before. I started a prayer group. I was reminded of God's call on my life: to be Ezekiel, the watchman.
TRIANGLE 5: Change. September 2007-->

Mr. Adams used a triangle to represent the world CHANGE today in econ. I don't think there's a better triangle than that one for this part of my life. I decided to do things differently. I'm not going to cling to my usual things, I'm going to simply trust God. I'm clean. I have no hidden sins, I'm confronting them all.

It's definately a change for me. ;-)

God is pretty cool. I'm excited to see where He's taking me. For now, I know it's going to be something different. Wow, it sounds like I'm trying to add a conclusion to this blog. It needs none!


Wednesday, September 5, 2007

I have not been abandoned, no I have not been.

Carroll High School has its ups and downs, but I have to say I appreciate block day Wednesday [this semester anyway].

I had ER, Homeroom, Activity Period, and Study Hall to read. I had some homework to do, but I got to read an entire book today. Yes, and it was by John Eldredge: Dare to Desire.

We'll just throw some quotes out and I'll respond AP English style.

"Don't be fooled by the apparent innocence of the object you've chosen to fill your heart's desire. We'll make an idol out of any good thing." [page 58]

And so I have.

I was concerned when I first picked up this book [at 10:00 this morning lol]. I thought it'd be about following your heart, pursuing your dreams to the point of utter devotion. As if following your heart was always equivelant to following Christ. Not always. There are still things called idols.

To follow up, "Addiction may seem like too strong a term to some of you. The woman who is serving so faithfully at church....your hobbies can be a nuisance sometimes, but to call any of this an addiction seems to stretch the word a bit too far. I have one simple response: give it up." [pages 62-63]

And for that quote I am convinced God wanted me to read this book. I needed to let go. Not because all my desires are bad, but because they were in control. Now I'm dream-free [like I said] or at least not tied down to anything. Right now anyway, I don't know where God's leading me... but I'll trust Him!

"God must take the heaven we create or it will become our hell." [page 62]

And this is why I'm giving it to God. I don't know what's best for me. I pray amiss. It's up to God.

And so here I am. Again, sounds awfully weird to say I'm hope-less and dream-less. Because I am full of HOPE [godly hope!] and though I have nothing to think about before I drift into sweet sweet sleep, I get by. Somewhere in my heart I know God's planning something for me.... I just have to wait to see what that is.

And so we do no lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us a glory that far outweighs them all! [paraphrase, II Corinthians 3:?]

oh no You never let go,


Monday, September 3, 2007

wake me when it's springtime in heaven

"If you don't go all the way with me, through thick and thin, you don't deserve me. If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me." Matthew 10:38f

That very verse implies you know who's you know who. Or, well, okay. That verse holds a lot of weight in my life, not just spiritually, but emotionally.

And that's what I want to do I guess. Like, everyone says they're obeying that verse... then once they actually DO obey it, they know they haven't been. Make sense?

Finally I'm letting go. Finally I'm dreamless--an empty vessel. God, move me. Make me someone special.

I have no plans, no theories, no ambitions, no plan B or C, no goals, no ulterior motive, no nothing. Double negative, no NOTHING.

Which is good. Ha, okay, it may look bad from your perspective. I need goals. I need vision. Blahdy blah blah.

I have a direction I'm heading, but I have no commitment to it. I have things I'd like to do, but nothing major. God, I'm an empty vessel, I ask that you fill me.


pulling the plug.

So I'm no longer his friend on Facebook. Ha, I felt like I was pulling the plug on a dying relative. What a mental image, putting to death my dreams. Or like on Titanic, it's like I let go of Jack and watched him sink to the bottom.

It's all not a very pretty picture.

But it was about time, wasn't it?

Now that I'm crushless and visonless... I have time to really see things. For one, I see opportunities. I have no money and I got a websiting potential. That's a good opportunity (and I jumped at it).

I'm noticing the kinds of people the churchians are. Should I be worried? Is there really a focus on the spiritual? I have one year to influence 'em. I am Ezekiel, wouldn't he do more? Wouldn't he make more of an effort to keep these guys accountable?

I don't really know yet. I don't know where God is taking me. But I trust Him.

God's always found time to teach me about trust. I remember one time He really questioned me on my reliance in Him. He asked me what it meant to trust, and all I came up with was that if I jumped off a cliff, He'd rescue me.

But can I trust Him with stuff like this? My dreams? My ambitions?

God, I want to. I really truly do.

And that's what I'm going to figure out.

Bring it on, Life.

I'm ready.

In Him. With Love,

Lauren Deidra

my heart or the hatchet.

I hate growing up.

Ashley said that to me today and I think I have to agree. I want to be a 12 year old again. Remember 12-year-old crushes? Remember how happy we were when they just smiled our way. Or when it didnt matter if the guy was actually a good guy or not--it wasn't like it was going anywhere.

I so desire to be that kid again. But I'm not. I have to face the complexities of being a young adult. Bleh.

I have decided to throw in the towel on my longest crush ever (one year, 9 months to this very day). It's not getting me anywhere. I don't know how much its hindering me, we'll find that out soon enough, but it's not drawing me any closer to the Father. And for that, I've gotta just let go.

And now I don't really know where to go. I have obeyed God's calling thus far. I've made the prayer group like He insisted. I'm doing my best to set the example (okay, maybe not my BEST). I'm writing (the one thing God tells me to do whenever I feel like I'm not doing anything...).

So I guess I need a new plan. A new vision, if you will. [A new dream]

I wish there was stability here, but there isn't. I guess that's God's little plan for me itself. I love order, He deprives me of it [all for the good of the cause!]. No but really, it's good training for me.

I guess I'm just saying that I want to trust God. I want Him to decide what to do with my life, my time, my heart. But it's hard because right now I have nothing to feed off of. It's like an clean slate--I have no idea where God is taking me in this part of my life. I guess it's time to find a new triangle [if only you knew...]

I'll end with a closing verse(s).

Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. [romans 5:5, NKJV]

And hope will never let us down.... [romans 5:5a, NIrV]

...we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit! [romans 5:5b, The Message]

Such hope never disappoints or deludes or shames us, for God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us. [romans 5:5, the amplified bible]

with hope. or such like it,