More importantly ... Lauren's Writing Goals for 2010 Revisited

I just posted a revisiting of my Christmas Break Goals, but I find this more interesting, because I've had a whole year to accomplish these goals. Let's see how I did.

1. Write more fiction. I did it! I wrote a lot of fiction this year:

I wrote poetry ("Lets Break Up," The Incarnation, Txt Msg, Unsaid, Future/Present Poems [w/t], Tree Poems [w/t]) and I wrote short pieces (And Eat It Too, the untitled story I wrote about some girl being in love, In Theory, The Little Red Hen Retold).

Note. I didn't count the writing I've done in class (Prose or Creative Writing) nor the works I haven't published to my blog.

I still don't like writing fiction short stories, but I don't mind short short stories and poems. I just have commitment issues, as exemplified in the post before this one. I'd rather labor over a short work than a longer work.

2. Write more frequently. My goal was to write four times a month, which would mean in 2010 I should have blogged 48 times. And in 2010, I blogged a total of (drum roll please) 74 times! Wow!

In 2009 I blogged only 40 times!

It should be noted that I blogged completely different in 2009 than 2010, mainly once I discovered my love for poetry. My posts in 2010 were generally shorter than those in 2009, they contain more photos and more fiction for sure. I think this is good. The first goal shows that I wanted to vary my blog posts anyway. This is good. I shows that I write more than just non-fiction.

3. Connect with other bloggers. Fail. Okay, so Jason Boyett did do that interview piece with me, but that's about it. Actually, I haven't been to Jason's blog much since he moved to BeliefNet.com, mainly because that site's obnoxious. His blog is good, but that site is annoying.

4. Take risks! I have! I've taken a lot of risks with my writing. I inserted swear words all over the place; I try new stuff with dialogue; I write only in dialogue; I gave poetry a shot; I just wrote what I felt like writing instead of thinking about the rules; I've imitated others' writing styles.

5. Learn big words. Okay, I haven't done this either. I have a new favorite word, at least: assuage. I love that word. With me now: assuuuuuage.





Ha.
Lauren

Hi, I'm a narcissist

I am a narcissist.

After my Media and Society paper about narcissism on Facebook, I realized that I have all the tell-tale signs of a narcissist. I talk about myself. I am frustrated when people don't honor me the way I think they should. And in the midst of my self-loving is self-loathing - I want to be more than I already am.

It's a big mess.
It's also something I've been praying against since the spring.

My goal for this internship was to rid myself of narcissism. I wanted, and still want, a character arc. I want my character - me, Lauren Deidra Sawyer - to change during this internship, and for the better.

I wanted to magically become more others-focused and compassionate.
I wanted to overcome my insecurities and view myself soberly.

It's about four weeks into my internship, and I think it's finally happening, just not in the way I had imagined. I thought that I'd start stripping myself of narcissism when I met a bunch of sick kids or toughed the 115 degree heat. But honestly, I'm being challenged the same way I am in the States.

Note that I'm glad I'm going through this. I don't want my dear PLC family to think that they're doing anything wrong. Everything that's going on is for the best - I believe it. I won't be able to shake this narcissism without fire.

Observations:
- I am most comfortable in a leadership position ... so I find myself in a country where women aren't meant to lead. I'm forced to be okay with that.
- I'm not the best. Esther's the journalist. Lydia's the artsy one. Claire's the funny one. Sophie's Wonder Woman. I'm just me. A me that isn't "winning" at the moment.
- The task I chose for the summer does not bring me instant gratification. I am one of the few interns that took a long-term project. I am making headway on my assignment - PLC's year-end review, kind of like a magazine - but it's not as though what I'm writing is posted on the blog. It's hard. That's the one thing I love about working at a newspaper - I can see results by the end of the week.
- To somehow make this vague and mysterious: it's hard talking (I mean "talking") to a boy when you're a narcissist. It's easy for me to talk about myself all the time, but that's not how you attract the opposite sex.


Oh God, break me down.



I read this prayer in Elise and Sarah's copy of "The Pursuit of God" by A.W. Tozer:

Oh God, I have tasted Thy goodness and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of further Grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still.


Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee that so I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, "Rise up, my Love, my fair one, and come away." Then give me Grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.








Ezekiel

Kashrut pt. II

Kashrut Update:


It's been 36 days of Lent (I'm counting weekdays too) and I am pork free. I haven't had a cheeseburger; I haven't had seafood; I haven't had sausage at Sunday brunch in Baldwin.

Basically, I'm doing amazingly well. I could do this forever, really. I'm far more disciplined than you Gentiles anyway.

--

Yeah, so this has run through my mind a lot: observing Kashrut has made me really proud of my Jewish heritage. But not the good kind of pride either. In the words of the Avett Bros.: "... [Like] the kind in the Bible that turns you bad."

I think discipline is good, but I'm worried that I'm forgetting the part of the Sermon on the Mount when Jesus talks about being humble when you fast and pray, by not making a big deal out of it. I like to make a big deal out of it. I mean, come on, I ate Kosher for Lent. How cool is that?

The other part of me kind of hopes I embrace this pride. Because on Easter Sunday, that pride has to go away. I will be able to eat pork and meat/dairy. My Gentile brothers won't be "less" than me anymore. I imagine that will be humbling.

--

Whichever it is, I have been craving Bdubs like crazy. Ugh, just to dip chicken in Ranch dressing. ...






Laur