worthy

I put myself into the category I think most women put themselves in.

I feel as though I am too much... and yet not enough at all.

Does that make sense?

I push myself, I make myself known, I take control, I'm ambitious.... If a guy saw me in action, he'd say that I am a strong girl.

I doubt myself, I fail, I'm not the best, I have no self-confidence, I lack focus.... If a guy saw me walking down the street he'd say I were timid.

I am TOO much because I push myself to the point of being ugly. I want things so perfect that I go insane trying to make them that way. I expect people to follow my standards. I make lofty goals and achieve them. I don't WANT there to be room to grow... I want to grow above and beyond reality.

I am NOT enough in that I don't have faith that can move mountains. I rely too much on hope and not enough in God. I don't have the drive to witness to my peers. I am scared to death of people. Heck, I barely even LIKE people. I would rather slink behind a wall then make my presence known.

How can I live such a paradoxical life? How can I be two people at once?

I am not either person. I am Lauren.

God never told me that I am TOO much or that I'm NOT enough. He told me who I am. He's given me a new name. He's called me to be Ezekiel--Ezekiel the watchman. That is who I am.

I'm not called to be a workaholic business woman.

I'm not called to be a stain-wearing techie.

I'm called to be ME.

There's a difference between being unworthy of God and being unworthy of man. We can never be worthy of God. He is too much for our comprehension. He's too multi-dimensional for us to grasp. But we can be worthy of man.

We ARE worthy of man.

God created men and women to be equal. God saw them both as good.

God loves sinners and saints alike. He loves people with dark skin and ivory skin. He loves blondes as much as brunettes.

He loves us equally. We are equal. We are worthy of each other.

For me to say I am too much or not enough, what standard am I comparing myself to? Am I comparing myself to another? We are all equal. I am not too much for you. I am enough. God made me this way.

I am in his image.