Broken-down Poetry: Stand and Feel Your Worth


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Monday, March 3, 2008

Stand and Feel Your Worth

Wake, stand and feel your worth, O my soul.

Feel and know the word that can save us all.

At Sunday school and at youth group we've been talking about self-image: how we view ourselves in relation to how we view God. The correlation is this: if you are told you are a slut long enough you believe it about yourself and therefore believe that God thinks you're a slut also. Or a loser. Or a failure. Or whatever putdowns you have been bombarded with.

I guess you just figure that if the world thinks you're one way, it must be true, and God views you the same way.

And me? I feel like I'm a pretty self-confident girl. I've have good grades, a fun job, shiny red hair, and an amazing internship... but only half of me relishes in that. (And that side also has a tendancy to relish in all that a bit TOO much.)

The other half of me is convinced that I am inadequate. I am unworthy of everything and everyone I pursue. It's like this: I may be smart, but a voice is reminding me that I'm not smart enough. I may be pretty, but Ashley and Sam are prettier. I'm only second-rank. I can never be the best.

And maybe, maybe I cannot be the best. But it's killer to hear that I will never be good enough.

I constantly feel this way. I feel like I'm unworthy of dating a man-after-God's-own-heart kind of guy or befriend a certain person because they're too intelligent or cool. I'm unworthy. I'm not good enough and never will be.

I fight this; whenever I feel uncomfortable with not being up to par with the people around me I start to fight my insecurities with pride. Well, they may be more outgoing, but I've got more drive. Or, she may have a better voice, but I can write better.

I thought this way all my life: through middle school, through my underclassmen days. I just don't feel that I'm worthy of anything. That I don't matter. That I can never be good enough.

( Maybe this is why I have so much drive; I want to prove myself worthy. )

Nevertheless, through Tom's message Sunday night and morning I got to expose this stuff. I feel freer, not completely but I know in time I'll overcome. It's hard to let go of stuff you're used to. You know, "old habits die hard."

I do know this--I matter. I'm worthy. God made all men equal, meaning I am worthy to be the friend of anyone in the world. No one is greater than me. (But I am not called to put myself above anyone else either.)

George MacDonald put it this way--I love this!--"Here there is no room for ambition. Ambition is the desire to be above one's neighbor; and here there is no possibility of comparison with one's neighbor: no one knows what the white stone contains except the man who receives it.... Relative worth is not only unknown--to the children of the Kingdom it is unknowable" (emphasis mine).

I assume I'll have more on this later, but right now I think I'll just bask in the fact that I matter to God. :-)

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