It is fine, it is fine with my soul.

Most of you are well aware of my cynicism. I haven't done a very good job of hiding it, after all. I've been trying to get to the root of it, to know exactly why it is I feel so jaded, but I'm not sure I can narrow it down to one or two things. But I'll try. Maybe then I'll be healed of it.
--
Friday in our typical day-before-break praise and worship chapel, we sang the hymn "It is Well with My Soul." For some reason, singing it reminded me of when I was in middle school and I'd pray before getting a test grade back.

I'd say: Pleaseohpleaseohplease say I got a good grade, God.
The Spirit would reply: You did fine.

Every time he'd say that: "you did fine." I knew even then that "fine" was a relative term. When I'd pray that in a history class, "fine" meant an A or A+. When I'd pray that in geometry, "fine" meant passing.

God's telling me today that I'm fine. I'll be okay. Whatever I'm going through will pass, and I'll be stronger because of it.

But as an apology to all the people affected by my cynicism, I present this blog. Here's why I've been so melancholy, or at least a few guesses:
--
1. How hard I work in class or how naturally gifted I am - manifested by my GPA - determines my worth.


I wrote a creative piece the other day about Sixteen-Year-Old Lauren haunting Present Day Lauren. It made me miss my youthful optimism. Observe:

I really don’t have time for this, Laur.

Come on. Here. I’ll help you pack up your books. Where you going anyway?

World lit.

Oh man. I’m in American lit right now. What a killer.

You’ll get an A. Well, A-.

Same thing.

Ha, I like your optimism.

Remember when "A-" was as good as an "A"? Now I'm well aware of the raging gap between a 3.7 and a 4.0.

Prof. Perry and I had a conversation about this a week and a half ago. I told him how desperately I wanted an A in his class, and how he should consider making the class easier in order for me to achieve that. (Despite our good relationship - I have been called a brown noser, teacher's pet and suck up more than once, thank you - he did not relent.) Actually, I think that upset him - that I wanted an easy A.

The thing is, that's not even true. I don't want an easy A. I want to learn. That's what I want more than anything ... to know as much as I can about the things I care about. I want to know more about media and society; I want to know more about writing prose; I want to know more about the character of God.

I just want my grades to reflect that.

And you know what? My grades would reflect that if I tried harder, if I pushed myself further. But physically, I can't handle that. I can't stay up all night writing an essay just to get it to the right word count (sorry, Dr. Allison, you say 1500 words, I say 1000).

So right. Correct. I would rather get an A without the unnecessary hard work, if I was still learning. True. I believe that. I want to be pushed harder, but when I push myself harder ...

I get obsessed.

Vicious cycle. It doesn't even make much sense.

Except that I want to be good at everything. I want to have A's in all my classes. I want to make Mom proud and Dr. Ferguson (my advisor) proud and Prof. Perry proud and all the other lazy comm. students jealous.

It's just not all possible. I can't be good at everything, which is a hard truth for me to get. Thus, it's making me cynical.

2. Despite what I tell myself, I let boys define who I am, or the act of liking boys define who I am.


I was listening to this song on the way home from Jacque and Carlee's:

Say you're wrong
Let's get this over I
Would like to get some sleep tonight ...

Now I know that I was not the man you wanted
You know I loved you and I wanted to make you proud
My intentions were to never give myself to anyone
Look what I've done

Mmm. I love those last two lines: "My intentions were to never give myself to anyone, look what I've done." I'm going to try to remain vague and general here, but I don't know how successful I'm going to be. Pretty much I let myself get burned because of a crush. I haven't been burned like this in a while, and though I've done a pretty good job at blaming him for this, it's my fault.

It's my fault, friend.

Though I don't regret liking him - and despite my general attitude of hatred toward him, I still think he's a really cool guy - I handled it horribly. I expected too much out of someone who didn't return the affection.

I go back to my quote of the month: "When people are in love, they act stupid. When people get their hearts broken, they act even stupider."

As Lindsey would say, "That's not very profound, but it's true."

I want to make it up to this kid. I'm trying to think of the best way to do it, but I think it involves leaving him alone forever. And deleting his number from my phone. Maybe.

All I know is hating him and writing essays for Prose about how much I hate him isn't solving anything. I'm brooding; I'm just getting angrier. It's been seven weeks - seriously. Heart, move on. Start focusing on things that matter!

3. We Christians are good at talking, but we're not very good at doing.

I have Matthew Paul Turner's "Jesus Needs New PR" blog bookmarked on my Google browser - I frequent it often. (Probably because he updates it like a madman. Imagine if I updated this blog three times a day!)

MPT blogs about the Christian subculture mostly, and likes to pick fun at it. He grew up a fundamental baptist, so he has room to make fun of fundies, but sometimes it gets a little ridiculous. He has a "Jesus Picture of the Week," for example, with paintings of our LORD with his own snarky, semi-sacrilegious captions below. Or, he'll rant about Joel Osteen (using $ for all his s's). Or, he'll post videos of dorky Christian musical groups.

It's cool to have a sense of humor. I told you that I frequent this site often - it makes me laugh. But it gets draining after a while. In fact, it makes me wonder if MPT isn't turning into his own kind of fundamentalist. ...

I like what Brian McLaren said (via a character) in A New Kind of Christian: "I've found that liberals can be fundamentalists too. Liberals are often just fundamentalists with a different set of beliefs. Not all of them, but many." p. 9

Huh. Sounds like me most of the time.

(And please, Matthew, if you're reading this - thanks, Google Alerts! - know that this isn't about you. You're just a for-instance so my audience gets it. I will still read your blog. Keep up the JPotW!)

But I am just like MPT. I roll my eyes at people who believe in the literalness of the Bible or who quote scripture in their sleep. I've taken a liking to MPT's jingle: "You can't spell 'fundamentalist' without F-U."

It's kind of disconcerting though. Making fun of something gets old after a while. I wish instead of talking about what's wrong with the Church we could be busy being the Church.

I wish I would. I wish I'd stop focusing on myself or rolling my eyes at others.
--
Finishing this blog doesn't make me feel better - surprise, surprise. Reading this blog probably didn't inspire you all in any way either.

But I guess that's okay. Here's where I'm at spiritually. It's messy, but oh well. I'd rather be honest and transparent than pretend I have it all together.
--
"Be true! Be true! Be true! Show freely to the world, if not your worst, yet some trait whereby the worst may be inferred." - The Scarlet Letter
--

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come
Let this blest assurance control
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate
And hath shed His own blood for my soul

It is fine, it is fine with my soul

ezekiel

come out!

Thanks, everyone, for your responses. Austin, I love your answer (after begging you week after week at Starbucks-ironically enough-I'm glad that you want to save your money, woot!). As for Tom and Paul, I will answer your comments throughout this blog.



So without further ado:



Part 2.5: Jesus wouldn't drink Starbucks.



Who are we worshiping? (Tom, I believe that was your question.) Are we worshiping God or Money? Clearly in Matt. 6 it says it's up to you to choose which one you're going to call Master. So which is it?



We won't answer that quite yet.

* * *

God called us to be set apart; I will say it again and again. We are to be a "holy people," we are God's Bride. We are not supposed to follow the pattern of this world.



"Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you." [Romans 12:2, The Message//Remix]

* * *

In Revelation, John the Revelator describes a mighty empire called Babylon as being like a seductive whore:

"Fallen! Fallen is Babylon the Great! She has become a home for demons and a haunt for every evil spirit, a haunt for every unclean and detestable bird. For all the nations have drunk the maddening wine of her adulteries. The kings of the earth committed adultery with her, and the merchants of the earth grew rich from her excessive luxuries." [Rev. 18:2-3]



Her whoring days didn't last long. By verse 9 of Revelation, after the "kings of the earth" committed adultery with Babylon, she ran outta her "goods." Verse 11 and 15 say, "The merchants of the earth will weep and mourn over her because no one buys their cargoes anymore.... They will say, ‘The fruit you long for is gone from you. All your luxury and splendor have vanished, never to be recovered.' The merchants who sold these things and gained their wealth from her will stand far off, terrified at her torment. They will weep and mourn..."



Notice Babylon's connection with money. Who's suffering from "Babylon's fall?" Are the poor peasants suffering? How about Christians? It doesn't say much about them. The passage does make it clear that the MERCHANTS will suffer and weep and mourn. [And the children of the Slaughtered Lamb will rejoice.]



Notice more from that Revelation passage: "John says that [the Whore of Babylon] is drunk with the blood of the saints. Her wineglass is filled with the blood she has shed throughout the earth-of "saints, prophets, and all who have been killed on the earth"-hers is the cup of empire, slaughter, genocide, and sweatshops. Everyone has grown drunk from the blood, and they stand back and marvel, ‘Who is like Babylon?' Babylon the beautiful. But there are those who do not drink from her cup, who do not grow drunk on the cocktails of culture. Their cup is filled with the blood of the Lamb. It is the cup of the new covenant. The question becomes, From which cup will we toast?" [Claiborne, Shane. Jesus for President, 2008; p.150]



So John the Revelator paints this awful picture of a sex-and-money-hungry Whore of Babylon who entices people to do what? SPEND THEIR MONEY. Not on the poor, of course, but themselves. Sounds familiar if you ask me (hint: "We must keep shopping." George W., post-9/11)



Am I jumping ahead too much?



Consider what Ezek. 16:49 says of good ole Sodom: "She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy."



Huh.



So what are we supposed to do? I believe that was the great debate. Tithe more? Or, as Tom said, just not hang on to money so tightly? The answer:



"Come out of her, my people,

So that you will not share in her sins

So that you will not receive any of her plagues;" [Rev. 18:4]



"John's language couldn't be clearer: we are to ‘come out' of her, literally to pull ourselves out.... Scholars point out that this is erotic language and that the words John uses are the same ones use for coitus interruptus-to interrupt sexual intercourse before its climax. As John is speaking of this steamy love affair with the empire, he calls the church to ‘pull out of her'-to leave the romance with the world and be wooed by God, to remember our first love [v2:4], to say no to all other lovers. Certainly he made his readers blush. And it's not easy to pull out of a relationship of dependency and romance, of lavish gifts and captivating beauty, especially with a bride as beautiful as Rome or America." [Claiborne, Shane. Jesus for President, 2008; p.150; emphasis added]



Boom-chicka-wow-wow.



Like I said before, in this blog and others, we are supposed to be set apart. We are DIFFERENT. I am a Christian, a "little Christ," a member of the Jesus Liberation Movement, I pledge allegiance to the true Son of God: Jesus Christ.



I am not of this world.



And since we are not of this world-or as Paul says, our "citizenship is in heaven"-we are supposed to not CONFORM to our culture but, (quote it, brothe'!) be TRANSFORMED by the renewing of our minds... etc, etc.



I do not have a solution to this financial issue. Personally, through reading this book (Jesus for President) I feel convicted to STOP buying things and live like Penny* for a year.



*In Donald Miller's Blue Like Jazz, his friend Penny decided to not buy clothing for one whole year.



But, can I do it? Is that what God wants me/needs me to do?



I don't know.



Nor is that the point. I'm here as a messenger. Here's what I've heard, this is what I believe is a problem.





Lauren

MORE community stuff. [this stuff keeps coming!]

Okay, so last blog I talked about more of the socio-structure of the Christian Community. But, as Paul pointed out, I forgot to mention the impetus behind the Community in Acts 2: LOVE. Because, in the words of Dustin Kensrue... (who took them from the Apostle Paul). And moving mountains ain't no thing to me; I've faith enough to cast them to the sea, but I don't know the first thing about Love. But all other things shall fade away; while Love stands alone and still holds sway.



BUT, I'm not going to discuss the Love factor in Community yet. WHAT?! No, really, I'm not. I cannot yet. I'm writing based on what I'm learning via God and the books I'm reading and the experiences I'm enduring. I haven't met that lesson yet. It's coming though.



Today I'm going to talk about the fiscal obligations of a community.



Part 2: Christianity is not capitalistic.



SIDENOTE: In yesterday's blog I used to Acts 2 passage about people giving to each other as they had need (Acts 2:44). Today I'm going to use that same passage.



I have a pretty legitimate fear. When I grow up, I am afraid that I am going to be a workaholic- capitalistic-guru. I am afraid I'm going to be like the antagonist in the song "Man in the 3k Suit" by Jonezetta, or "The Ghost of Corporate Future" by Regina Spektor, or "American Dream" by Casting Crowns...etc. I think that I am going to have a lot of money and invest it to get even more money. I will be one happy rich girl.



Now, I only say that because I know how I am with money. Frankly, I am kind of good with it. Not perfect by any means (hence my fear) but I am decent for a newly employed eighteen-year-old. I save 15%, tithe/donate 10%, and though sometimes I spend the majority of my paycheck on one fun trip to the mall, I always have a good pot of money brewing in my checking account. I like my system; my mom has taught me well.



BUT. Okay, what if I continue to do that the rest of my life, maybe invest in some mutual bonds or some stock, get a well paying job as an editor, and live a happy life as a consumer.



THROUGH THE EYES OF MY ECON TEACHER: Mr. Adams would say I did a great thing. Rich people get rich not from spending all their money, but being smart with it. If I am smart with it, I will be well-off financially.



But, I don't think that I am supposed to live like that. Yes, I know we need rich people in the world, um, to invest in important causes (cancer research, eco-friendly products, etc.) but I don't know if that is always true. At least not for Christians.



We were called to be set apart as people of God-the Church. The early church was not all about spending all their money on new iPods or investing in the Walmart stock. They gave their money. Think of Ananias and Sapphira. And where in the Gospels is Jesus seen as having money? Never. (But Jesus, knowing their evil intent, said, "You hypocrites, why are you trying to trap me? Show me the coin used for paying the tax." They brought him a denarius, and he asked them, "Whose portrait is this? And whose inscription?") That was not his money; nor was it his money found in the fish that Peter caught.



Think the Old Testament now: Every seven years all debts were cancelled (if you were an Israelite, that is). Tah-dah! AND every seven years people were to let their fields die. Not to mention, in Malachi God tells his people to tithe 10 percent.



Don Miller describes his duty as a Christian Consumer as having to "let the fields die." Though he is a best selling author and speaker, he doesn't take any money for his books-none. The guy could be as rich as Joel Osteen if he did (bah-dah-tsh!), but he understands the importance of Not Getting Addicted to Money.



Where did I get ADDICTION from all of that?



How easy is it to NOT think about money when you have tons of it, spend tons of it, and invest tons of it? It's hard.



And here's my dilemma... Does God want me to have money when I grow up? I mean, more than just enough to survive.



I bet all of you, 100% of my audience, thinks that I should be smart with my money and make sure I have some when I grow up. You would have to think that, because it's the way all of you live. You have a computer, right? If you have a computer that's a pretty good indicator you have money-unless you're at a library.



Anyway, I guess I only have half of an argument here so please, don't comment this note and call me a crazy fool.



I only know what it's like to have money. Sure, I only get $6.50 an hour, but I always have my mommy to provide me with what I need. Am I addicted to money? Maybe. I mean, I love buying clothes, I love buying new electronics. I have surrendered to the emperor, I guess. (So to speak.)



More on this later. Make this part one of part two.





Lauren

more community chatter.

I have been thinking about the idea of community for a while now, as you learned from my previous blog. I think the concept, pertaining to Christianity in particular, is fascinating. Yes, it really is.



In my last blog I also said that I was experiencing a "perfect" community but, as Sarah politely pointed out, my CLAM group (Austin, Matt and I) is not "perfect" because we are "imperfect" people-by man's standards and God's.



But I do want to look at the idea of a perfect community even though I don't truly know what that is by experience (you win, Sarah), but because I believe that's what God designed us for. But with sin, that community cannot exist.



PART ONE: Christianity is not a democracy.



The foundation of our youth group is centered on this one passage of scripture (ready, Tom?) "They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." [Acts 2:42-47]



I love this passage because it solely proves my next point. Get ready for it folks:



Christian community is a lot like SOCIALISM. (Really, it's a lot like COMMUNISM with Christ at its head, but let's not push it.)



DEFINITION: Socialism refers to the goal of a socio-economic system in which property and the distribution of wealth are subject to control by the community.^[1] This control may be either direct-exercised through popular collectives such as workers' councils-or indirect-exercised on behalf of the people by the state. As an economic system, socialism is often characterized by state, worker, or community ownership of the means of production, goals which have been attributed to, and claimed by, a number of political parties and governments throughout history. [says Wikipedia.com]



Now I mostly said that for a reaction. Let me explain myself before you mutter Lauren is Stalin under your breath.

The basic principle of the Christian Community described in Acts looks like this: people work hard, and use what they have to give to others in their community. People "pool their resources" to make sure everyone had what they needed. They don't earn status through their paychecks, but use everything they have to serve others. (Really, I just restated Acts 2:44)

Isn't that the basis of a "good" socialistic society? Everyone works to provide for the needs of others. That's what Eugene V. Debs wanted, right?

I don't know enough about socialism to go into much detail, but you understand the point. The way the Bible describes the early church is a lot like the socialistic nations of yesteryear. BUT.

Those countries were screwed up, Laur. Especially when you start comparing the Christian Community to communism. God isn't Stalin either.

Well, yes. That is because (let us reiterate Sarah's point once more) WE ARE NOT PERFECT. Socialism doesn't work for godless countries, so we cannot help but assume it won't work for God-filled communities that are, at the root of it all, sinners.

Let me work backwards here again. We know politically that socialism doesn't work because it gives the wrong people power AND citizens never do their share of work. BUT what if they did?

What if everyone in the country did their share of work and the leaders did not abuse their power? I think socialism would be a fine machine, don't you? But we all know that doesn't happen, not for countries.

But what about for Christianity? Can it work?

I mentioned in my last blog how I was fed up with the imperfect Christian Community, the one focused on trivial drama rather than the interests of others. But what about CLAM? What if the rest of the youth group, the church, the city, the state, nation, or the Church herself became dedicated to others' needs instead of just their own?

We could make this "socialism" thing work. Rather, we could make this "Acts 2:42-47" thing work.

Sure there will be flaws. There can't be a perfect community here on earth but we sure should try. God gave us the early church's example for a reason.



I believe we shall follow it. :-)

community.

My guy friends have a peculiar habit. (Peculiar I say because I don't believe a lot of guys even worry about stuff like this.)

They are girl-protectors. Now, let's move past my tendencies to be a strong, woman-power kinda chica and focus on the BENEFITS of this theory. (My point: I don't believe I need protecting most of the time. I have a thing called a gut and I know how to use it.)

BENEFITS: There are occasionally jerky guys that I need my guy friends to keep outta my life. i.e. John Derek.

STORY: Missions trip 2007, Lauren crushes on a nice looking lad named John Derek Raymond. Turns out he "liked her." (He lived in Louisiana, did I mention that?) But he liked a lot of other girls. A lot. So Lauren's guy friends kept him away from her.

That was nice; I appreciated it.

But, sometimes this peculiar habit has gone a little crazy. i.e. kid in youth group that "liked me." Another friend kept this kid away from me. I don't know why it was necessary, the kid wasn't going to harm me in anyway. But, I didn't like that guy so it didn't hurt that my friend kept him away.

MORE CRAZY: Two of my guy friends tried to keep me from liking this one guy just because they didn't know him. He was a great guy--a Christian--but the guys didn't approve.

Which, like I said before, that's all fine. I don't feel I need protected, but I appreciate the guys' manly efforts to keep jerks away from me.

BUT, here comes the irony: While my guy friends are warding off all these John-Derek-jerks, who's protecting me from MY GUY FRIENDS?

Oh, no, you can't like dude from that church because I don't know him. Or, I'll keep that dude away from you because he likes three other girls.

BUT I can swoop in, like another girl (let's say), or treat you badly (perhaps), or even play games.

How come they get off the hook?

The underlying principle is this: this women-protecting my guy friends are doing can only work if done in the context of a inner-relying community. What I mean by that is that all members of the community must agree to certain ideals so that no one can be taken advantage of.

The goal of any community is to promote the interests of the other members of the group. Isn't that true? Think of the ACTS 2 church: they shared everything, prayed for each other, loved one another ("they were in one heart")--they were ONE ACCORD. They didn't let their girls get involved with jerks but they didn't become jerks themselves.

They understood that community meant that everyone was equal, everyone had a part, everyone was to be respected and loved.

I think I'm in a perfect community right now, and I confess it isn't my church nor my youth group. It's L.A.M. (AKA Clam or Lamb or Glam)

My friends Austin and Matt and I meet for coffee every week to talk about anything and everything. We are real with each other--that's truly the basis of our friendship. We hardly ever agree on each others' opinions, but we know that we are not going to get shot down if we're totally out of line. We respect each other. We offer advice and take it to heart. We joke around; we don't try to edit ourselves.

That's a community.

It's not a group of bickering people deciding who's turn it is to date so-and-so nor is it a bunch of teens tearing each other apart for believing in predestination over free-will. It's a group founded in love: true, unadulterated LOVE.



[dedicated to austin and matt. you guys make me happy.]

to love at all is to be vulnerable.

I love God and I love the idea of the Church. But right now, I'm not to fond of her.

I don't want to say I hate Christians, because that's not true. I'm a fan of church, youth group, college age, Sunday morning service, and the various ministries I find myself involved in. But I don't like the facade the Church is putting on.

Remember when only the Pharisees hated Christians?

Even in the Roman Empire (around Nero's time) Christians were hated not because THEY hated, but because they were RADICAL.

And now... what has she, the Church, become?

The top six traits Christians are known for are these:

1. Hypocritical

2. Too focused on getting people "saved"

3. Antihomosexual

4. Sheltered

5. Too political

6. Judgmental

[according to Barna research]

How sickening is that? Number 3 kills me everytime. Never in the Bible does it say to HATE people. Remember that little slogan that Jerry B. Jenkins uses through his books... "Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin." Period.

Why do people take that so much farther?

I don't want to argue other points just yet, and really I should have kept my mouth shut about the antihomosexual thing as of now.

Right now I call you, yes you little Christian, to examine yourself. How do you act? Are you loving? joyful? peaceful? patient? kind? good? gentle? faithful? self-controlled?

Those are traits we SHOULD possess, according to Galations. Not these hateful anti-gay, anti-democrat, anti-cultured people.

So consider these facts, and I'll get back to you ;-)

always, always,

ezekiel