Gifts n' all that.

Yesterday I learned that my spiritual gift is writing.

I had to take one of those spiritual gifts inventories for Jacque and Ricky's Bible study (I mean, they put a gun to my head and everything) and the one I took, all 140 questions, told me I have a gift for writing.

Well, I that like writing and that I think I'm good at it: that's all that means. Which to me is just fine.

One might question the difference between a spiritual gift and a regular secular gift. I think I'd like writing if I weren't a Christian, so does that make this concept of Spiritual gifts a fraud?

I mean, I'd probably even have a broader range of things to talk about as a secular writer because I have a tendancy to talk just about God in blogs and essays and such.

I do like what I learned about spiritual gifts though, that's kind of my point. (I'm a little woozy from the McDonald's I ate so I'm not writing as fluently as I should. I should not have eaten those burgers. Ugh, the memories of reading Fast Food Nation pour in.)

What I learned is more or less two-fold. Or three-fold... I just wanted to say "two-fold" really bad. What time is it?

1. Spiritual Gifts are different than regular run-of-the-mill heathen gifts because they are obtained AND/OR utilized after a person receives the Holy Spirit (upon conversion). For example, you cannot heal the sick, raise the dead, speak in tongues, or prophesy until you have Christ in your life.

But, you may ask, what about those other gifts like serving, teaching, and writing? Don't nonChristians have those gifts too?

Yes.

2. Spiritual Gifts are not in "full bloom" until a person receives the Holy Spirit BUT that does not mean the gift is not still there, but the impetus is not. Example: A person has the gift of helps and likes to give money to those in need but they aren't a spirit-filled vessel (ah, fancy church wordage!) that does NOT mean they aren't committed to helping people. This just means that the core of their reasoning for doing such an act is not clear. They do it to be nice. A Christian would do it to be nice BECAUSE Christ has called us to do so.

3. Spiritual Gifts Change. Today my gift may be writing and pastoring, but tomorrow it may be celibacy. Just kidding. But really, times change and so do we. At one point in my life it may be good that I am all about serving and doing behind-the-scenes work, but maybe when I'm older (and wiser) God will call me to speak to large crowds--who knows. We weren't all born (or re-born... heh heh) with the same gift we have later in life. I guess we could, but usually not. Our gifts change with our seasons.

* * *

I'm just contemplating today. I don't have a conclusion (it's like AP English all over again. No, Mrs. Pickett I don't have a strong conclusion DEAL with IT!)

Just... learn your gifts and use them. There, I gave this blog some warrant.

Not a Feel-Good Faith

This Sunday I got the prestigious opportunity to do PowerPoint for the morning service at church. Now, when I say prestigious, I mean it because there is great responsibility behind that job: if I clicked too fast or too slow the entire church would notice. I was scared. But, I did okay despite Tom forgetting a verse to a song... and whatever happened to the Communion slide?

Oh well.

That's not really my point at all. My point is that I was doing PowerPoint during my pastor Paul's sermon which, in my opinion, was one of his best. Even though it was about hell.

I think I liked it because it tied in nicely to our discussion on Letter to a Christian Nation in English class. We were discussing the purpose of religion: is it just a mode of comfort? Is Christianity just about making it to heaven?

I began to think about this and considered that maybe this is how religions started. Maybe cavemen 20,000 years ago wanted to believe that there was Someone who inspired their wheel invention or caused the lightening in the sky. Maybe ancient Egyptians didn't want to have to explain every wondrous sign and gave credit to other beings--gods.

But honestly, if I think about my faith and its basic principles... it isn't very comforting at all. I mean, Christianity was birthed from the Jewish faith based on strict laws and statutes. To go back before Christ I would be obligated to sacrifice animals for every sin I committed (intentional or not), to only eat certain animals, to marry young and bare lots of children, and if I were a man... get circumcised.

No, I don't think my faith is based around comfort.

Of course, one could argue Grace. Maybe Grace is what makes Christianity a feel-good religion. But again, does it? Does God say we can do whatever we want with no eternal or earthly consequences? Of course not.

My religion--my faith--is not built upon comfort and fluffy God-moments. But yet, let's look at the other side of the coin (so to speak).

Christianity does offer hope. It offers freedom from sin and restoration both on earth and eternally in heaven. This is my impetus for trusting Christ with my life, sure, but that's not all of Christianity. I have hope, I have transcendent peace, but I still have my earthly sin-sickness.

In other words, I still have to deal with heartache here on earth.

So then, is Christianity a feel-good faith because it offers eternal happiness in heaven? I don't think it's that either. How many people sit around planning for the future--I mean REALLY planning for the future--and take no time worrying about themselves right here and now? Not many. It's hard saving up money for a future that is five years away, let alone for ten or twenty years down the road. Just knowing that when I die (in a good 60 years at least... hopefully) I will go to an everlasting (and rather vague) Paradise is not satisfying. Is it satisfying for you? Is that what you wake up for every morning?

I suppose it sounds like I am cutting down my faith right now. I make it sound like a strict "do-this, do-that" kind of religion and it's not... but it is at the same time. We have these rules because we have free-will... which seems rather contradicting, so I won't get into it. [I'll save that for another blog.]

I know my faith (my personal one). I know that without believing that God is a thought, breath, sigh, or blink away I'd be one depressed little girl. But I also know it goes deeper than that. I know God calls me to a righteous life--an unattainable life on my own, but with His help it's achievable. I truly believe that.

And so, I am eager to conclude this blog with the same two points my pastor did last Sunday....

1. How I live (right now) matters. Christianity is not just about planning for some distant judgment day, but it is about the present. What am I doing with my life now? Am I living for myself or for others?

2. There are consequences for my actions on earth. Meaning, although I am covered with Grace by giving Christ my life, I am still obligated to leave my sinful ways behind, so to speak, and be obedient to God's rules.

And, if I dare, I would like to make one more point....

3. Go in peace. Yes, our actions do matter right now. We are told to be "blameless and pure children of God" and to establish God's kingdom on earth (not just wait till we get to heaven) BUT we cannot sit and fret about it either. Seek first His kingdom. Do not worry. It'll be okay.

This argument seems a little cyclical, so let me make a sweet summary for you all:

Christianity offers forgiveness for our iniquities but does not offer a freebie to sin. It's not just about planning for some distant vacation to heaven, but focuses on the here and now. We can relish in the fact that we have hope in Christ but it shouldn't blind us to the sin in our lives. We need to repent; we need to be free from sin.

Abortion and all that

Every summer I go to Pro-Life Music Festival in Warsaw to listen to amazing bands for free.

I didn't realize until last year that this whole festival was to endorse Pro-Life legislation (well, duh).

The festival is very political. Very. I mean not only do you have abort73 (or whatever they're called) come and hand out flyers about killing babies, but you get speakers stating that it's "our job" to vote pro-life and I think Mitch Daniels came once. I think.

And yes, there are heathen-bashers (the ultra-conservatives that even moderates hate) and kiosks with Jesus junk. All the stuff that I cringe at.

Trust me, if Future of Forestry (eek! I got their autograph!!) and Flatfoot 56 didn't come last year I probably would have rethought attending. Maybe (it's a lot of fun if you ignore the politicking).

Wow I'm reallly wishy-washy.

Anyway, I was thinking about the concert today because, well, I wanted to know who's coming. [I bet The Classic Crime will come. Or Needtobreathe. Or The Glorious Unseen. One of the three (or all of them!)] And I thought that maybe there wouldn't be speakers about Pro-lifeism because the election had already passed.

Except that it won't. [June is before November, Sherlock] We will be in the midst of the last few months of the candidates' campaign. I bet this year will be the most political concert yet.

Hypothetically: Say it's Obama and McCain running against each other. Since McCain is pro-life, I just know the whole festival will be a McCain-endorsing fiesta. (If that's the case I plan on wearing a Barak Obama '08 shirt.)

I wish I was exaggerating, that I don't think this will happen. But I can guarentee it will. I'm worried that people will be naive enough to go to that concert and use it to decide on who to vote for. It shouldn't be like that.

I am going to vote for Obama in the primaries, not because I think he's rad or I just don't want Hillary to be president, it's because I've researched the candidate enough to know he's eligible to receive my vote. I want everyone to do that (and more so).

And when it comes to the pro-life issue, I believe Obama himself said it best:

"I don't know anybody who is pro-abortion. I think it's very important to start with that premise. I think people recognize what a wrenching, difficult issue it is. I do think that those who diminish the moral elements of the decision aren't expressing the full reality of it. But what I believe is that women do not make these decisions casually, and that they struggle with it fervently with their pastors, with their spouses, with their doctors.

Our goal should be to make abortion less common, that we should be discouraging unwanted pregnancies, that we should encourage adoption wherever possible. There is a range of ways that we can educate our young people about the sacredness of sex and we should not be promoting the sort of casual activities that end up resulting in so many unwanted pregnancies." [Christianity Today, Jan. 2008]

Yes, this is a very big issue (abortion). But I think that evangelicals aren't thinking. There's a deeper issue at large here: can the government make decisions for the people like this? Will it even stop abortion? (has it in the 25 years since Roe vs. Wade?)

Abortion is bad, so don't have one. Abortion is bad, so warn people-- don't make it solely political. When social justice becomes just a political issue rather than a personal conviction, it loses its heart and we become hateful Christians who stand outside abortion clinics and harass women instead of loving them.

Listening to Mitch Daniels or a dozen pro-life organizations is not going to help me change the lives of women who believe they need an abortion. God calls us to take care of the refuse of the world, just keeping a failing law in place will not be enough.

Forget About Yourself

29-31"What's the price of a pet canary? Some loose change, right? And God cares what happens to it even more than you do. He pays even greater attention to you, down to the last detail—even numbering the hairs on your head! So don't be intimidated by all this bully talk. You're worth more than a million canaries. 32-33"Stand up for me against world opinion and I'll stand up for you before my Father in heaven. If you turn tail and run, do you think I'll cover for you?

34-37"Don't think I've come to make life cozy. I've come to cut—make a sharp knife-cut between son and father, daughter and mother, bride and mother-in-law—cut through these cozy domestic arrangements and free you for God. Well-meaning family members can be your worst enemies. If you prefer father or mother over me, you don't deserve me. If you prefer son or daughter over me, you don't deserve me.

38-39"If you don't go all the way with me, through thick and thin, you don't deserve me. If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me.

Why is this so hard? We can not commit adultery, we can not use God's name in vain, we can not murder, not even hate or steal.... but we can't stop thinking about ourselves.

What's so great about us anyways?

You know, we love Jesus when He's a fad. Those "Jesus is my Homeboy" shirts were so cool for a few months... but honestly? (I cannot say this without sounding absurd) is He your homeboy?

God calls us to love the people that make our lives miserable. Not just like or tolerate... we are called to LOVE them. And He calls us to live in the world, not of it. (That means no drugs, filthy language, greed, p.m. sex, drunkenness, and the like).

We think that being a Christian is all about talking to our friends about Christ (which we're too scared to do) and reading our Bibles (which has been collecting dust over the past few weeks). We love Christ when He makes our days good (an A on a test) and cry to Him when our day sucks (the car broke down, again).

But yet... what about obedience?

I mean this in a broad term: doing what God tells us to do. It means all the aforementioned things (talking to others, reading the Bible, praying) and more. It means being "blameless and pure children of God."

I know I am guilty of this. I know it from the core of me. But why have I accepted it?

"It is simply absurd to say you believe or even want to believe, in Him, if you do not do anything He tells you." G. MacDonald.

Annie wasn't sure what to make of it. She expected promiscuity like that from Logan or a guy from school, but never from Kyle. These past few weeks he has been so devoted to God, well, it seemed that way at least. Annie was too afraid to pick up her phone, too afraid to do anything, but stare off... hoping that maybe it would all go away.

Merry Christmas '98!

So I found this story I had written in third grade. It was a pretty good concept had I not rushed through it. Maybe, oh yes maybe, I'll revist this storyline.... (not.)

[Disclaimer: I couldn't spell words like "coffee" and "pole" back in third grade so I corrected the grammar so no one would get confused.]

One Christmas Eve Santa was lost! Allow me to introduce myself, I'm Cupid. No, I don't make people fall in love. I'm the reindeer. Yes, there is Dasher, Donner, Prancer too, but they're on a coffee break and I'm gong to tell the story.

In 1986, Santa was lost.

"Ho Ho Ho!" Santa said to Mrs. Claus. "Is my coat ready?"

"Yes, Santa. I'll be right there!" Mrs. Claus said to Santa.

"Ma, I'm going to be laaate!"

And right then Santa disappeared.

Yes, you are probably wondering what happened to Santa, but my reading turns over, here is Comet.

Hi, I'm Comet. Ok, now Santa woke up and he was in the land of Oz!

"We're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz," Santa heard. Santa talked to the strange people. And a few seconds later he was going to the Wizard of Oz too. When he got there, he wished to go back to the North Pole and he did.

Well, that's the end of the story, bye!

Honestly, can you get a better story than that? come'on.

The Sims mindset

I know I'm a fool, no one needs to tell me that.

We talked about pilgrimages today in English and it made me very pensive. I mean, very. To go into it at all would be confusing and overwhelming so I'll save it for later blogs. Nevertheless, there is one thing I've thought about today. And that is dating.

Now, to how I got from pilgrimages to dating doesn't make a bunch of sense, so I won't bother. It all boils down to my overarching theme of the season: change. But like I said, I won't go into all that.

I decided to fast from crushing. (That sounds awfully dorky.) I made a commitment that for at least 2 months I won't crush on anyone. God helping, I hope to be crush free until next year. I'm learning a lot about people.

I hate admitting this because it's not deep or anything, but I just started realizing what it means to have a guy friend. For my whole life (and I really do mean my whole life) I assumed that befriending a guy beyond being his acquaintance meant that I like-liked him. I call this the "Sims" mindset.

[Explanation: On the Sims, when a girl and guy Sim talks, their liking of the other person rises. It starts at aquaintance, then "warm," then friends, then it jumps to in love.]

I have quite a few guy acquaintances and guy "warms." Half the youth group is guys, I have no choice. But taking that relationship to the friend level has been impossible for me. I don't really know why.

I've never really had a close guy friend. Well, I was close to Austin then we dated (psh, screwed that friendship up). And I want to be friends with Todd and with Luke but there are so many strings attached. Why does it have to be that way?

And I think I like guys hanging out with guys more than girls 90% of the time. Girls are dramatic, guys just take things as they come. But it is just so difficult because of the way people, and hollywood, put expectations of guy-girl relationships. [Segway into my AP English practice essay for this week!]

How many TV shows or movies show guy-girl friends that don't end up in a dating relationship? Let me give you a hint: NONE. [Example: the couple in You've Got Mail, Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable, Nancy Drew and Ned, Ross and Rachel, the couple in 13 Going on 30, Lane and that one guitarist guy on Gilmore Girls, etc]

Maybe I am ignorant or something; maybe guys and girls can't just be friends. It just doesn't seem right. So I am going to defy all the laws of whatever and make more guy friends. No strings. No future dating. No secret crush.

Another one of those days.

[[Disclaimer: If you have anything to do, don't read this blog. I just wrote what I felt and sometimes what I feel is nonsense. But if you want to anyway, feel free.]]

Well, how do I begin?

My car... augh, someone backed into it... now it has a huge dent. (Yuck) Today has just been one of those days--not horrible (I mean, the night's still young n' all) but not exceptionally great. I just feel blah.

I feel like I have so many feelings inside of me that I haven't really taken care of. Instead I have just suppressed them (they're still inside of me) and I don't really know what I'm going to do when they're unleashed.

Two and a half months ago I ended a crush on a guy. But how do you just end a crush without the feelings returning? I read something in Annie Dillard's Pilgrim at Tinker Creek that reminded me of this feeling in some way:

"...[A]s you look at a still-beautiful face belonging to a person who was once your lover in another country years ago: with fond nostalgia, and recognition, but not real feeling save a secret astonishment that you are strangers." [80]

And maybe this feeling isn't describing that "ex-crush" but a certain ex-boyfriend whose heart I mistreated. We are strangers. I guess that the "just friends" philosophy isn't much of reality. Oh, I wish it were.

My heart aches. There are so many guys that I am better off befriending than dating. I regret dating Austin for that, uh, week and a half, just because it put a rift in our relationship. I talked to Austin like I had talked to no one before. Who can hold conversations for six hours and twenty minutes without getting bored?

I'm a lucky girl. I have great guys in my life (my brothers!) and an awesome best friend. I just wish that I didn't take people for granted. That I just respected them and accepted them as who they were; that I loved them the agape way.

I guess my biggest fear right now is awakening feelings of hostility that I felt a year ago (toward my best friends) or unhealthy crushing over an unattainable guy... things that I thought by faith I had overcome. But have I? Or did I use temporary will-power?

Was it all for nothing?

I fear I'm going to wake up mad at my best friend for hating "him" or let myself crush over apple (oh geez, I know). I fear that what I thought was overcome through my relationship with God was just... covered with a bandaid.

The wound isn't going to heal without exposing it.

So here I am. I'm not really that bad. I'm just pensive. Just, really pensive.

Lauren