I Am RELEVANT

Today I talked to Cameron Strang, RELEVANT CEO, on the phone. As most of you know, RELEVANT and I had a bit of a falling out earlier this school year. I'm proud to say that's all over. I forgive RELEVANT and I think RELEVANT forgives me.

I've blogged about this journey for about a year. Last May the "fields died" and I decided not to pursue a job with RELEVANT. I've done a lot of research and talked to a lot of people since then. I've drawn conclusions - conclusions I'm still not happy with.

I don't think Cameron is the bad guy. I don't think RELEVANT is a horrible magazine. I think, though, that I was putting too much hope in a magazine created by human hands. Run by imperfect people.

I started reading RELEVANT when I was fifteen; I started "taking God seriously" when I was twelve. I was a baby Christian. RELEVANT was my connection with God. The same way it's hard realizing your pastor is imperfect, it's hard realizing your magazine and the people running it are too.

I don't know what to make of the research I did last fall. I don't know if it's true. I trust the people I talked to, but I want to trust Cameron too. He's passionate about what he's created - the same way I'm passionate about my writing (and this blog!).

I know this has taught me to trust God. He has good intentions; he challenges me for a reason. God didn't "kill" RELEVANT just to torture me. He didn't use me to expose the dirt of this company or anything like that. He used RELEVANT to teach me trust. He asked me, like Peter, if I love Him more than all of these, more than RELEVANT. When I finally said yes, when I finally believed what I said and moved on with my life (yay PLC!), God brought the fields back to life.




I forgive you, RELEVANT.



Ezekiel.

Do we really even want to know what's going down?

I can see the forest for the trees - at least, now I can.

Let me try to sum up this past month in a series of random words sandwiched between a linking verb and object, as if they were all true adjectives. Get what I'm saying? You'll see:

I hate fields-dying-RELEVANT-boys-cancer-distances-viruses-overwhelming-deadlines-midterms-crying-breakdowns-failures-unskilled-dry-unfocused-hate/love-Bminus-Huckins-emailharassment-dramatic Octobers.

This was my October. How was yours?

I don't say this to complain; I say this in reflection.

A few weeks ago I had my "breakdown," the day after Lindsey and Autumn had their own. But since then it's almost been worse. My poor emotions have been strangled with rope, shoved into a cage, thrown into the ocean and anchored to the bottom. I guess I can only afford one breakdown a semester?

Long story short: boys suck, I have no idea where I want to work when I grow up, my mom has some health complications and boys suck.

Not all boys suck, sorry.

It's been healthy to get away from campus. I feel like I can see what I'm going through for what it is. A valley. That's all it is. It's another valley. I've been through tons.

And what I've learned through previous valleys is that you can either grow closer to God through them or let them push you away from him. It's your choice.

I want to kick and scream. I want to tell people what I think of them.

But ... gosh. I can't. I have to keep chugging along. I gotta keep praying and reading and talking and singing and whatever else.

But sometimes it's hard.

-Ezek.

between the river and the ravens I'm fed

It's really hard to write when nothing's going on.

I'm used to being fed up with something or obsessing over some new found philosophy I can write about for three blogs in a row. But not right now. School's out, I don't have a job, my reading's been light and uninspiring (ah, no offense, brilliant writers from whom I'm reading) and I'm not really enraged about anything. I usually am about this time. Last year I was going through my anti-politics kick, the year before that (and the year before that) I was frustrated by everyone's lack of faith. (Or something like that.)

I have spent most of my summer (so far) running errands, listening to music, reading, watching the news, watching TV, drinking coffee, redoing my Web site, inviting myself to people's houses, applying for jobs and eating cake. Not simultaneously, though that would be funny.

Anyway, my goals for this summer included writing every day (fail), reading three different magazines (fail, fail), submitting articles for publication (augh, fail) and reading nine books (I'm still doing okay). I want this summer to matter (as I say every year) but it can't get much liftoff without money to make it matter.

Here comes the punchline.

Yesterday my state tax return came - and not a moment too soon. I'm not broke - yet - but I will be soon if I don't get a job. Sure, I'd be fine if I didn't drive anywhere, ever. But if I stay at home all summer I might go crazy.

I've been selling textbooks, too, periodically, which has put a little bit of money into my account at the end of the month.

I smiled as I folded the state-issued check into my wallet because I knew that I had just enough to get by. I can still afford gas to get to my Wednesday night Bible study at Ruthanne's and I can afford to buy at least one or two presents for all the weddings and grad parties I have to go to (ahh!). But I don't have enough to waste on crap.

I have enough.

And it's beautiful.

But really hard, too.

Part of me is so frustrated that I haven't found a job yet, but the other part of me is excited by the discipline. I've never had a steady job. I work freelance or seasonal or the darn business shuts down. I'm learning to be flexible, to have to depend on God.

It's great, but it's so scary too.

Hopefully, hopefully I'll still get a job so that I can participate in more this summer.

But even if not, I will have to keep trusting.





Lauren

Between the river and ravens I'm fed Sweet deliverer, you lift up my head and lead me in your way

Do you love me?

When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?"
"Yes, Lord," he said, "you know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Feed my lambs."



I love when Don Miller, in his book Searching for God Knows What, talks about this passage. He reads back farther, though, looking at the entire chapter of John 21:

Afterward Jesus appeared again to his disciples, by the Sea of Tiberias. It happened this way: Simon Peter, Thomas (called Didymus), Nathanael from Cana in Galilee, the sons of Zebedee, and two other disciples were together. "I'm going out to fish," Simon Peter told them, and they said, "We'll go with you." So they went out and got into the boat, but that night they caught nothing. Early in the morning, Jesus stood on the shore, but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus.

He called out to them, "Friends, haven't you any fish?"
"No," they answered.

He said, "Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some." When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish.

Then the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, "It is the Lord!" As soon as Simon Peter heard him say, "It is the Lord," he wrapped his outer garment around him (for he had taken it off) and jumped into the water. The other disciples followed in the boat, towing the net full of fish, for they were not far from shore, about a hundred yards. When they landed, they saw a fire of burning coals there with fish on it, and some bread.

Jesus said to them, "Bring some of the fish you have just caught."

Simon Peter climbed aboard and dragged the net ashore. It was full of large fish, 153, but even with so many the net was not torn. Jesus said to them, "Come and have breakfast." None of the disciples dared ask him, "Who are you?" They knew it was the Lord. Jesus came, took the bread and gave it to them, and did the same with the fish. This was now the third time Jesus appeared to his disciples after he was raised from the dead.

Did you know that the writer mentions the word "fish" 8 times in 14 verses? That sounds like a pretty strange observation to make ... especially since the chapter is about fishing. But maybe it had a purpose. And why did the writer mention the exact number of fish the men caught (153)? John may have just been recording facts but, as all journalists know, you don't just throw in random data without having a purpose.

So this whole fish business led author Don Miller to conclude that maybe in verse 15 (as quoted at the top of the blog) Jesus is referring to the fish: Simon ... do you truly love me more than these [fish]?

And that always gets me thinking.

Lauren, daughter of Natalie, do you love me more than your iPod?

... more than your hot fudge sundae poptarts?

... more than comfort? suburbia? your dreams?

... more than writing?

And I answer the way that Simon Peter does: Yes, Lord, you know that I love you as a brother [philo].

We know that there are different translations for love in the Greek: philo (brotherly), eros (romantic) and agape (unconditional). And when Peter answers that first time, he tells Jesus what I tell him: I love you like muh bro'!

But unconditionally?

The question I've been asking myself most recently is -- and I'm being transparent with you -- would I be okay with being single the rest of my life? When I see all the engaged couples at IWU, it's really, really hard to ask myself that question. Because I know the answer. And I'm ashamed of it.

Would I love God if I had to stop writing? If I never worked for RELEVANT? If he called me to get out of my comfort zone?

In an ideal world, yes, I'd love God agape. I'd die to myself every day; I'd forget about my own dreams and look to Him; I'd be happy being single; I'd always serve the people around me. But that's in an ideal world, and I don't live in an ideal world.

It's really hard to forget about your own wants sometimes.



It's Lenten season. Welcome.

It's a time for sacrifice and remembering what Christ did for us because of our self-love.

Let's take time to wrestle with this, to see what God wants us to give up (like sin) or pick up (like love).



with love, ezekiel.

pulling the plug.

So I'm no longer his friend on Facebook. Ha, I felt like I was pulling the plug on a dying relative. What a mental image, putting to death my dreams. Or like on Titanic, it's like I let go of Jack and watched him sink to the bottom.

It's all not a very pretty picture.

But it was about time, wasn't it?

Now that I'm crushless and visonless... I have time to really see things. For one, I see opportunities. I have no money and I got a websiting potential. That's a good opportunity (and I jumped at it).

I'm noticing the kinds of people the churchians are. Should I be worried? Is there really a focus on the spiritual? I have one year to influence 'em. I am Ezekiel, wouldn't he do more? Wouldn't he make more of an effort to keep these guys accountable?

I don't really know yet. I don't know where God is taking me. But I trust Him.

God's always found time to teach me about trust. I remember one time He really questioned me on my reliance in Him. He asked me what it meant to trust, and all I came up with was that if I jumped off a cliff, He'd rescue me.

But can I trust Him with stuff like this? My dreams? My ambitions?

God, I want to. I really truly do.

And that's what I'm going to figure out.

Bring it on, Life.

I'm ready.

In Him. With Love,

Lauren Deidra